Trauma and Addiction

I think there may be some confusion as to how I can "blast" my family history of addiction when I am writing about my own struggles with coping after loss. I am not now nor ever will try to humiliate anyone for my own gain. There is a clear connection with trauma and addiction.

Addiction is a disease. It is not any more shameful than having uncontrolled diabetes. When you view addiction as a treatable illness and a psysilogical issue the stereotyping falls away. You would not poke fun at someone dying of cancer but I guess it's ok to poke fun of someone dying with addiction. When you have cancer you are a survivor, with addiction you're just a drunk or junkie in our society. Addicts aren't bad, they are sick. Addiction can make good people do really bad things. 

I guess in a respect I was born to be an addict. The word "addict" is as dirty to people as the word suicide. No one wants to talk about it. It's taboo. But I am dealing with both and they are so connected that I feel it's not just relevant but imperative that I discuss it. 

I was born addicted. Not physically. I did not test positive for any substance. Nothing like that. I was born into a family who did not have proper coping skills for stress and other setbacks in life. It's not my parents fault because they were born into the same environment. 

I don't believe that substance is where the addiction starts. I believe people use substance to cope with an underlying problem. (Some programs call it a "dual diagnosis") If the substance abuse has been managed and is under control and the underlying issues are never addressed the person can never be free of the addiction. If you are not taught healthy coping skills you will always go with what you know. Using mind altering, body controlling substances damage the body and numb the brain. That's why they call it "self medicating". If those tools were at hand to cope and process you wouldn't turn to substance which then leads to addiction. It's a vicious circle.

The problem with substance abuse is that it masks the underlying condition. Using becomes a domino effect and controls everything around you. It's so strong that it very much appears to be the "bigger issue". You think that if you can just get clean you can get well. In most cases it's only a start. You must be clean to really feel the emotions. To really process and decipher why you were using in the first place is not easy. Just to be clean is an accomplishment but to be aware of what triggered it and face it down, that to me is the true road to recovery. 

So how are trauma and addiction related? There was a study I read recently that broke childhood trauma into five categories. A child with exposure to all five traumas was 46 times more likely to be a user as an adolescent and/or than those with fewer or none. The categories were the expected: physical emotional abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, living in a home with domestic violence, being with a parent after divorce or incarceration. 

Not only does trauma foster addiction, those addicted are more likely to have recurring trauma trigger the addiction or pulling you deeper into the abyss. 

Even if you are clean and are working every day to make your life better and you experience a traumatic event it's a trigger than cause you to relapse. 

If you are using substance and experience a trauma trigger it, you will NEVER heal. You will be chasing your tail. In 20 years it will feel like it just happened and you are trapped in that feeling for life. It consumes you. It controls you.

Addicts don't like to talk about it while they are engrossed in their addiction. They will look you right in the eye and call you a liar.

I live my life like I am an addict in recovery. That confuses people. No, I've never been in rehab. Yes, I do feel that I have abused substance. I was a binge drinker in my early 20s. I know how easy it would have been to stay there. Party. Drink my worries away. It was enticing. It was so simple to say "fuck this feeling let's get wasted" 

And after Mike died a decade later I found myself slipping back into the habit. I was drinking too much, I smoked pot and took Xanax to numb it all. It was a month or so before I realized what I was doing. I was self medicating. My sister checked me into a mental health facility and when they did drug testing I popped for everything imaginable. It was in that moment I thought "what the hell am I doing to myself?!" I was teetering on the edge of addiction. Luckily I was given a proper diagnosis of PTSD the right type of medication and counseling. It was also comforting to hear the doctor say I was not crazy, just grieving. 

My point is, even those who don't have an active addiction, Those who haven't touched substance in years can easily turn to them for comfort and to cope for tragedy.

Acknowledging substance abuse history no mater how far in your recovery makes you more aware. Should trauma occur you can keep yourself in check. If you say "self this is going to really suck. My 'go-to'in the past is to numb the pain but I must process this so that I can continue to heal. If I relapse I can never conquer it. I will make this shitty event my bitch!" If you connect the two and are in recovery you can ask for help. People who work in the field understand trauma and addiction as it relates to one another. That's why people have sponsors. 

Addiction is only as ugly as you allow it to be. Just like trauma. I say openly and without shame that I have a history of addiction (both personally and in my family) and so I sometimes need help not processing this as an addict. I don't know why anyone could feel humiliated by wanting to do better. 

I will not let any trauma in my life control and cripple me. I'm in charge.