Yes, this is my life

Sean, the man I have been dating for the past few months is legally separated from his soon to be ex-wife. It should have been a fairly cut and dry case but shes managed to stretch it our 8 months now. SHE filed at the beginning of January. They have no children or shared assets so its really beyond me why its dragging. In May she filed a Domestic Restraining Order on him. The judge saw right through her games and threw it out. Since then she hasn't "lived" in the house. She comes and goes just enough to move things around to let him know she still comes in. Which is weird. Kinda creepy. But, it is what it is. My apartment is literally across the street from his house. All day long today I have gone back and forth doing laundry in his garage. He stayed with the kids. I have a key and a clicker to the house but I never go over unless hes at the apartment or with me because I know she likes to play games like the story I am about to tell you. A little after 9pm I pul

Its the new ADHD. Its thrown out as an excuse for everything under the sun. If someone robs a bank, the first thing the media offers up is that they are a veteran who served in war time. PTSD is not a blanket "diagnosis" to excuse shitty behavior. Its a real condition that affects millions of people and you wouldn't even know it unless they told you. PTS can help to understand WHY someone reacts or behaves in a certain manner but it is NEVER an excuse. Its not a "get out of jail free card". Its like diabetes or any other disease or condition. Its perfectly maintainable with proper medical care. If you are diabetic and don't maintain your insulin level you will be sick. It could be fatal. Alcoholism is similar. If you obtain proper care and acknowledge the problem you can live a full life. If you drink, it could eventually kill you. PTS is the same. Education and treatment is the key. It can absolutely take your life. The anxiety associated alone can kill

This is in respect to a recent article published in the Marine Corps Times. READ ME More specifically, this excerpt--  " Data hasn’t found a definitive link between suicides and service members who deploy to warzones, and officials say that more often the deaths are tied to familiar, societal problems such as financial or job stress and marriage and relationship issues." Respectfully...I could not disagree more. You need to dig a bit deeper. I will tell you why: But first let me preface by saying I do not blame the Marine Corps for my husbands suicide. I don't blame the war, or the government. I am not planning to sue anyone for liability. He is the one who denied his condition and refused mental health services until the end. It wasn't your fault, or the gun his father bought him for Fathers Day, it wasn't me or the kids, his childhood...It was him. He had PTSD and was too proud and sick to see it. Now back to the point... The article states ther

August is next week. This summer went by fast. And...after August is September. Almost a year he's been gone. I was digging through my "Mike" file the other day looking for my DFAS password and one of the documents caught my eye. It was the police report on the state of his body when police gained entrance to our garage. I dont know if I had ever read it before or if I had read it in the "foggy" months but two things really stuck with me. The first one was the mention of his head being "unrecognizable". That I had to choke back a bit. My brain knows it would have to be but my heart just cant accept it. The second part that really got me was the position of his hand when they found him. His thumb and index were extended and the rest were curled inward. It made my memory spark. Everytime I had ever seen him with a weapon that was his usual grip. Just like every photo I had seen of him holding a rifle for 20 years. Although he could not recognize

Some might say you can't put a price tag on being an adult. In this case the total is $1111.00. If you read my last blog entry you will see that we have a new 18 year old. He has decided he wants to do what he wants and when he wants. As long as it benefits him he wants this. And, yes he has a point that at 18 we can't "legally" stop him from doing it. On the flip side as an adult he legally is responsible for taking care of his own way. So, I have made an invoice to cover the cost of his vacation. Being a grown up is expensive. Why do you think WE don't go on vacations more? Its because you HAVE TO PAY FOR THINGS! Attached you will find a portion of the bill.   No checks or IOUs. Call or office to arrange payment immediately. If we do not receive payment in a timely manner you will get your chance to go to LA! Judge Judy films there and she LOVES punk kids who think they know everything. Make sure you tell her the reason you're mad at us is becau

So far I know a million resources and benefits the kids and I are NOT eligible for with the government and the VA specifically. I know why the suicide rate is so high with Veterans. They make it nearly impossible to obtain any services with the VA. You might eventually get some...but you're going to work your ass off for it. We are not eligible for the following: Life Insurance--He killed himself two weeks past the 120 day cut off. (Because suicidal people are known for great planning and thinking ahead!) DIC--His suicide was not "service related" because he was too proud to ask for help. (But his medical records clearly show he was seen for ever PTSD related symptom. Just not labeled.) Transfer of Post 911 Benefits for school--He has to be alive to consent for the transfer (he's clearly not going to use them dead.) He still hasn't received his disability rating. He has to be alive for the exam. They cant examine a pile of ashes. The list goes on and

Legally when you turn 18...you are an "adult". This means you must take responsibility for yourself and your actions. You do not wake up on your 18th birthday with all the knowledge and wisdom you will gain in life. It basically means you can go to jail as an adult, you can buy cigarettes, gamble and join the military but you're still pretty much an idiot. My step son turned 18 this spring.  He graduated from high school last month. He is currently toying with his new exciting "adult" status. He still wants to live at home, not work, be fed, clothed and taken care of but wants to utilize his "adult" choices when they work in his favor. Basically cake and eat it too situation.  Typical immaturity. This is what separates a child from an adult. Only you are responsible for your choices and consequences that come either way. It's not something you just "know". He learned this first hand yesterday. He's staying with us for the summer

For some reason Mason connects with his father at the beach. The moment we get in the car and head that way he begins to speak about his father. Sometimes its funny stories, feelings about his loss, or memories of beach trips from the past. It just starts pouring out. This is good. Its strange though because his dad rarely went with us to the beach. As a matter of fact the beach was our escape on Mike's especially hard days. I took the kids to the beach for the day when he was at his worst. Whether we swam or rock collected, we'd just sit by the ocean and give him time to cool off and be alone. But, I am glad Mason has found a way to connect and now has an outlet. Of course he doesn't know I noticed. I don't want to point it out and make him self conscious or guarded. I want whatever is on their little minds to flow. I want to talk about any and everything, no matter how hard it is for me to find the right words. Its my promise to them, never stop talking it out. N

Despite my experiences in love and life I still believe in the concept of marriage. Not just in the legal sense but in the promise. The spiritual commitment to live and learn together, as a family, for life. I have joked many times about never marrying again but my heart knows better. I still ache for the bond. I know one day I will make that promise again. When I am healed and can give myself completely to another. Have you ever left the house and forgot your wedding ring? You get to work or where ever you're headed and realize it? You feel naked and a bit vulnerable, right? There is a physical dent in your finger. A tan line even sometimes. All day long you just feel a little off. You know its missing. You know where it's at but you just cant do anything about it until later. Are you familiar with that feeling? That's what I feel like everyday. There is a hole, I know whats missing, but there is nothing I can do about it but keep going through my day. That is the best

I got this new app on my phone that goes into my facebook every year and tells me what I posted that day. Its really comforting. I got this one today... That was four years ago. There was a time in my life when I thought the worst thing that could happen to me was surviving my childhood. It took me 15 years to come to terms with that. Being a child of alcoholics/addicts, being sexually abused, making it to adulthood...I thought that was my biggest trial. I had no idea I would be faced with another major hurdle. Who knows how long this will take to fully accept? I do know that if I could make it past my childhood I can also maneuver though this. I am strong. Not by choice, maybe by design. I cant imagine that God put me through all the pain as a child to prepare me for what was ahead as an adult. I do know statistically I was likely to become involved with someone with a mental issue or abuse problem. Adults who were abused as children are more apt to continue the cycle as a

We talked a million times about final wishes when Mike was in the military. Eveytime he deployed it was discussed. His answer never changed. He wanted to be cremated, poured in a coffee can and tossed in the garbage should he die before me. This is ridiculous. I told him that too. I told him it would never happen. If he wanted THAT I would have to be gone first. I would never do that. No one would. The only part I was willing to do was cremation. And that was hard enough. A funeral was happening.  A full military service. Funerals aren't for the dead. They are gone. The service is for the survivors. The family. He would be honored and we would have some sort of closure. I always did what he told me to do. Exactly how he told me to do it. I don't know how he'd feel about it. I know it was right. I guess I don't care. I did what I needed. What my kids needed. I hope when I die the kids do what they need to cope. I will be gone. I wont argue with them about it.

My dreams have been very vivid and super freaking weird lately. The night before last I specifically remember Beyonce being in my dream and I ate my Iphone. It was pretty weird. I don't even care for Beyonce and I don't have an Iphone anymore. Last night I was back in my senior year of high school in home ec class with Nick. But, I knew I had gone back in time and had all knowledge of what the future held. He was sitting in the desk behind me playing with my hair with his pencil. He said "you're hair is really shiny today." I looked back and said "yeah, I brushed it this morning." Using our regular sarcasm we laughed and he looked at me with his shaky eyebrow. The look that says I'm totally lying to you right now. He said "I lied it looks like shit today." He was asking me to go to a senior party with him later that week when it hit me that any choice I made in that moment could alter the course of our lives. I would have loved to go