An apology

The days after Mikes death are a blur to me know. I can remember bits and pieces but there are many things that I know now happened and did not realize at the time. 

Mike pulled the trigger at 11:19pm. By the time the SWAT team made entry it was around 3am. The coroner then came. Although he died on September 15, his death certificate says September 16 because that's when he was officially pronounced. I don't know if he died instantly and it's a technicality or if he suffered and actually didn't die until after midnight. I never asked. I still don't think I want to know. I want to think there was no suffering. 

When the police were asking me about identifying marks on his body I remember being incredibly frustrated because although I knew exactly what his tattoos were and where I could not remember what side of the body each were. They asked me repeatedly and I was so mad at myself for not remembering left or right. I knew him for 20 years. He'd had the tattoos for as long. I was going blank. I now know it was the shock.

It was nearly day light when we were allowed to leave the neighbors house. I specifically remembering telling my mom and sister I had to get to work. I was going to be late for work. I could NOT be late because I was new still. It was my probationary period at work. Looking back I find it just a bit funny because I really thought I was going to work that day. I called my coworker and asked them to let my boss know I wasn't going to make it in and please don't fire me. What the?... It happened. That is how crazy your brain works in times of stress.

When we did leave we went to my brothers' house. I don't remember much of that. Once the shock wore off I passed out on their couch. When I woke up it was after 4pm. I only remember hearing the young and the Restless theme song. I had fallen asleep at 7am. When I woke I was confused. It was quiet and I asked my mom where my kids and my sister were. She said the kids were downstairs and my sister had gone to my house. I was mad. I didn't want my sister going over there. I didn't want her to see the garage. My mom said she insisted. 

When I finally made it home the garage was almost completely empty. It was only my sister there. 

So now on to the apology and the thank you.

I recieved this message from my brother when I woke up today:

The first thing I noticed was the time it was sent. 1:30am my time in Cali and that makes it 3:30am his time in Mo.

I was shocked again. Felt like the wind got knocked out of me. Immediately after it happened I didn't know my brothers and sister in law helped. I was aware of my sister because she was there when I got home. I will be honest. I don't even remember how I got home from my brothers that day. Did I drive or did someone drive me? I can't recall. 

I apologize to brothers and sister in law for not knowing they were there cleaning that day. I appreciate their help but I didn't ask anyone to do that. I didn't want ANYONE to see that. I told my sister it was my husband and my responsibility. I know they did it because they were trying to protect me. They didn't want ME to see the aftermath and I can't thank them enough for it. However, you can't send me a graphic message nearly a year later at 330 in the morning saying shit like this. The fact that it's 330am incoherent and graphic only furthers my belief that I did the right thing by distancing myself from it. You can't say you're mad because I mentioned my family's struggle with alcoholism at 330am in a drunken spiteful message. 

You say the sight "fucked you up for weeks". I wish you could understand that the years leading up to that. The events that occurred in the minutes prior to that, the sound of the shot, seeing SWAT swarm my home, being notified he was gone and living in the house I knew he took his last breath in. The very are you "scooped up brains teeth and skull" was attached to my bedroom. I walked past it everyday for 8 months afterward. I am so sorry you had to experience that but it's NOT MY FAULT!

I know certain details of his death but I didn't ask. I could tell from the high velocity splatter where he was. There was splatter on three walls and the ceiling. I am sorry you misunderstood anything I wrote. I  was cleaning splatter off the walls and ceiling up until the time we moved. I still have important documents I HAVE to keep that were in the garage the night he died. I have to look at his blood every time I pull them out of the file. 

I have offered to put my siblings in touch with a counselor. I have apologized for what happened and I have thanked them for their help. I cannot thank them enough for holding me up in the days after his death. My sister especially....but all my siblings. It doesn't take away from family issues occurring prior to his death and it doesn't make you bad people. 

It makes it doubly hard to find my way now. It's not supportive to send me messages or talk to me that way. I am trying to heal. I am trying to move on and make sense of the reality I am in. 

His death effected everyone he knew. The LOSS OF LIFE effected my kids and I. The traumatic event messed us all up but not only the event changed the kids and I. My kids went to bed with a dad and mom and woke up with just a mom. I lost my identity that night. My kids lost the most important male figure in their world. 

I guess it makes me really upset, infuriated that I can be told his death "fucked people up for weeks". What do you want me to say to that? I don't even know who I am anymore. It's been nearly a year. 

It's natural to be angry during the stages of grief but you are angry at the wrong person. I apologize and thank you but if you don't get it now, you never will. It's not a contest on who it fucked up more. No one wants to win that prize. I can't fix it. I can only do what's best for me and the kids. Respectfully.