Yes, this is my life

Once upon a time my worst fear was that one of my kids would die. After the loss of their father I realized that the survivors are the ones who suffer...not the dead. Someday, when they go to heaven they will feel no pain, no loss, no anger, no resentment. They will be surrounded by light. It would be me who felt the grief. My worst fear is that I should die. I would leave them alone in the world, orphans. That is my fear. Unlike my husband I want to live. I want to be here for them for all the highs and lows in their ever changing lives. If I were gone they would have to live the rest of their days with neither of us to love and guide them. That scares me most. Yes, at times living is a struggle now but I am determined to help them become all they were meant to be. Its always in the back of my mind. I avoid taking risks because of this fear. Its in my thoughts when I start my car and put my seat belt on. Its a fleeting consideration when I kiss them good night. I'm trying to

I was helping a fellow widow today with her VA fight for Service Connection and DIC. Her story is eerily similar to mine. Shes struggling much the way I was in that period. Our grief is delayed in situations when having to shift all of our focus on fighting the VA during a death claim. We cannot focus on our hurt, pain, frustration, acceptance of our loss because we go into battle mode. The topic becomes a matter of business. The person we loved and lost is spoken of cold and matter of fact. We say the word "suicide" as if its just a technicality. The entirety of the loss can not be processed because we have to fight to protect his name and provide for our kids. It isn't until the VA fight is over and we no longer have that focus and drive in our mission that we can really grieve. We absolutely feel it through the process but we have a way of  projecting all the feelings we have about our loss on the VA. THEY are the reason we are so upset. THEY make us cry. THEY mak

My life now is the best possible case scenario after the great loss of my husband. Not everyone is as fortunate. My kids are doing so amazing. So well adjusted. Magna Cum Laude in the Honor Society. They are social and kind. They are so resilient. I have a partner who truly treats me like an equal. He is supportive, so connected and understanding. Most of all he loves my kids. He knows the perfect balance of being a loving father figure and honoring their dad. Hes proud of them and their relationship is so wonderful. We have material possessions, food in the fridge, money in the bank and laughter in our home. That's why...it weighs so heavily on my heart feeling an emptiness. Its a hollow, numb dark and lonely place. It's a domino effect because the sadness leads to guilt because I realize and appreciate fully, all the gifts we have been given. My life is beautiful. I feel guilty because I have such a great life just three years after my soul mate died. And that rolls into

They say there is a grief in divorce. It is after all the death of a marriage. I was married the first time very young...right out of high school. The marriage lasted a quick four years. We were both too young to truly appreciate or even understand the commitment of marriage. We had a three year old son when our divorce was final. I can recall the period of grief in the wake of our separation. The feelings of guilt of sadness at the end of our union. But that's where the similarities end in my experience. There shouldn't even be a comparison. In my divorce I was allowed the luxury of screaming and shouting and venting to my future ex husband.  I could tell him how I felt and even blame him for his part in the dissolution of our marriage. I could  look him I his eye and see his emotion too. I could harbor resentment and anger toward him. These feelings are typical and acceptable in a divorce. It's average. It's expected. We spent years in court fighting over custody of o

Eventhough we're rapidly approaching 2016 and it'll be the third calendar year since Mike's suicide I still experience brief flashes of anger and resentment. Not at him, exactly. At the whole situation. My friends husband's are all beginning to retire and move on to the next phase of their lives and it reminds me of how excited we were right before Mike retired and how hopeful we were about the next chapter in our lives. He told me once if I gave him and the Marines the first 20 years...the following 20 was all mine. I guess he wasn't wrong. It is all mine. He's gone now. That's not at all what I had in mind. I just really pisses me off. I stuck out all the deployments, moving cross country, his PTSD and disappointments. I got 135 days after the Marines chewed Him Up AND Spit Him out... Luckily the bursts are fleeting. I feel it and get through it. Put it behind me. Why didn't we get to do all the things we worked so hard for? We both earned it. I am

Many moms of autistic kids have told me personally their child would never go near water. They are terrified of water. It makes me cringe when I hear it. In my experience, autistic kids are more curious than the average child. About just anything. They also lack the impulse control that an average child might use when investigating bodies of water. I can tell you from personal experience that my son, who is on the spectrum is drawn to water. Has been his entire life. We had to teach him to swim very early because his grandparents had a pool and even then we still had to keep an eagle eye on him. Just getting swim lessons doesn't protect them. In some cases it gives a false sense of security. Autistic kids have a tendency to run. Not maliciously either. They could be standing at the front door when something catches their eye. Like I said autistic kids a curious, they will be out the door and down the street in a blink. Shoes, no shoes, one sock and one shoe. Details like that are c