Yes, this is my life

**Disclaimer: This blog post may trigger your PTSD or make you sick. Just a warning but I've got to get this out.** I was lying in bed listening to 20/20 almost asleep. My body was relaxed. My eyes were closed. Sleep was coming. But then, in the program there was a reenactment of a police shoot out. The gun shots rang out. I began thinking the sound of the gunshots in the program sounded nothing like the shot that Mike died from. The shoot out on TV took place outside and from a distance. There were echos with every shot. Little ripples as it tore through the air to its intended target. There was no echo when Mike pulled that trigger. I suspect it was because it was a close contact shot and his body absorbed the shock and provided a damper for the sound. It was more like a Black Cat firework I remember from my youth. Just a loud pop. I then began thinking about the night he shot him self. How exactly did he manage to turn a rifle around and shoot himself? Aren't they long? W

There are many aspects of my life that fascinate even myself. Since losing Mike I've spent a great deal of my time reprioriortizing and reaffirming my connections with the people I love. I've been on a quest to find out who I am and where I am from in order to rebuild my life. Part of that was getting knee deep in my DNA and family tree. I have so much more of an understanding of what I'm made of now. I have amazing stories of ordinary and extraordinary ancestors and one day I will share them. There was still a huge void though. When I was about 15 or so my mother was on the phone with Child Support Enforcement inquiring about our case with the state. The representative gave my mom the wrong information in error. She got off the phone looking rather shocked. She relayed to me that my father apparently had another child...and in Washington State across the country! They would not give any other information as they weren't even supposed to say that much. My jaw dropped..