My kids can hurt me the easiest

We were In the car this evening. It was a pretty great day. Kira said to me "it's been so boring since daddy died." I asked what she had said. She repeated it and said "he was more fun than anyone" my heart just broke into a million pieces. I didn't correct her. I didn't disagree. I just apologized that he's not here anymore, turned around and cried quietly in the front seat. 

I've spent so much time telling them what a hero he was, how much he loved them etc now that's all they know. In that moment of honesty I realized I'm going to be the one they hate. I'm going to be the one they resent when they have been disciplined. He's always going to be the awesome one. 

I'm here. I haven't left. Everything I do is for them but I guess it's just part of the deal. I know they miss him, I do too. I know they will build this fairy tale in their head of who he was and part of me is thankful for that. They hopefully won't remember the hard times, I don't want that. I am terribly sorry he's not here for them.

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