Love After Loss

I'm not sure if the way I love has changed because of the great loss I felt in the death of my husband or if it's due to age and maturity.  It might even be a combination of both. Either way it is different now than it was when I first fell in love.

When I think back to the beginning of my relationship with Mike I was the tender age of 14. We lost touch for nearly a decade and at 22 I was head over heals in love with him. I didn't think about the future, or how we would make it. I just knew I would do anything I had to in order to be by his side. It was a foolish view in hindsight but I just knew with him beside me we would make it through anything. We would deal with everything as it came. Blindly and naively leaping into such an adult decision. And somehow it worked. For 11 years we were married. Until death. Through deployments, moving around the country, all the ups and downs the Marine Corps sent our way.

But then things changed. He was gone and everything I knew was gone with him.

I didn't plan to love Sean. When he first contacted me to give his condolences after Mike died I gave him the standard "thank you" reply. I didn't know him. He was just a Marine who served with my husband. I certainly wasn't interested in a relationship. Definitely not with another Marine. And more than that...he was married. He didn't hit on me or make me uncomfortable. We talked about Mike and how it affected us when he died. He retired at the same time as my husband so they had common experiences transitioning to life after the military. He began to open up about his struggles and I listened. 

After Mike passed away there were many man coming out of the woodworks offering dates, sex, you name it. I wasn't really interested. My self esteem was at an all time low. I hadn't just been abandoned, I was traumatized. The thought of jumping back into a relationship seemed ridiculous. I had to work on me.

I dated another boy for a few weeks, casually. It was nothing. It was clear that I wasn't ready.

I spoke to Sean via skype daily. It was just small talk mostly at first. A way to pass time but eventually I began to look forward to his calls and we talked about deeper issues. I resisted loving him for a long time. I encouraged him to try to repair his marriage. I told him despite losing my husband I still had a great respect for marriage and the vow taken.  I remained neutral when he spoke of his marital issues and just tried to listen. Later I found myself not liking his wife. I knew this was dangerous so I cut off communication to prevent it going any further.

It didn't last too long. But I had a clear head and kept my emotions in check. I honestly didn't want to love him. I thought of all the reasons I shouldn't. All the ways I couldn't but as time went on I could no longer deny it was there.

I am much more cautious now. More so than at 22. I dated Mike long distance for 5 months and then ran away to Vegas to marry him. We told no one. 

With Sean I'm taking it slow. We dated long distance, now live in the same town. We do many things with the kids. Their approval is a must. I'm in no real hurry to marry or change our relationship. I love him dearly. He is the person I can see myself growing old with but time will tell. I want to know everything there is to know about him. How he treats my kids? How he reacts in stress? How he interacts with his son and parents? What his friendships are like? How does he act when he's sick? All things that I never cared about when I was young and stupid. Things that I now know make a person who they are and help me determine the sort of long term partner he would be. 

Before a man should propose to me he would have to propose to my kids first. My kids are marrying my future husband too. We are a package deal. All or nothing. That is something a man would need to seriously consider before ever asking. It's something I need to know he's thought out thoroughly.

Love is different now. Either time or circumstance has changed it in me. I plan on playing for keeps this time. I wont step willy nilly into it. It's a commitment I plan on seeing through til my last breath. I know now more than ever how fragile life can be and how it can be taken in an instant. I want to make this one last.