Yes, this is my life

I've been asked that alot since Mike died. Am I angry at him or God for his death? I have fleeting moments of anger. For the situation but never at him directly or God. My faith has actually become stronger since his suicide. If you knew how much he'd struggled in the years before his death. If you'd seen how hollow and detached he'd become and how beat up by the illness he'd endured...you couldn't blame him. Am I mad that he was sick? He's no more responsible than if he had cancer. He didn't make himself sick. He didn't cause this to happen if you see the whole picture. If you look strictly at the manner of death you could find fault but what CAUSED it was out of all our control. In that respect you can't fault him. And...maybe that's my own personal way of justifying it. But I find a peace in this way of thinking. He didn't abandon us. He didn't leave. It wasn't a lucid consideration in his death. He died as a result of his ong

5:38AM That's what time my phone said it was after I woke up bawling this morning. It was still dark. I don't remember the details of my dream only it was about Mike and it had me upset. I rolled over and reminded myself it was just a dream and that if I tried I could sleep a bit longer before getting up for work. This is common lately. I have two types of dreams. The ones where I wake up crying or the ones where I wake up defensive in panic half convinced I need to run. Where? From what? What brought me to tears? I can't recall. All I can clearly remember is the feeling the moment I wake up. Once upon a time I could remember the dreams so lucidly. Every single detail. I could tell you every word he said. How he smelled. The lines in his face. Now I have no recollection. Not even fragments. However, the feeling it brings seems to linger all day. Always present in the back of my mind. On these days I have a harder time. Everything seems to remind me of his death. Of my l