This Blog is Sponsored by Jack Daniels

Tonight I'm sick of pretending I'm healed and beyond pain. Because I'm not. There is a constant battle in my head. The part that says he was sick and not responsible for for what he did and then the part that says  NO! fuck that. Fuck him. How dare he leave us. More importantly how dare he leave our babies. They are beautiful and wonderful. They deserve so much more. 

He left me to pick up the pieces. He knows I'm scared of broken glass. 

I stood by him for 11 years when at times he didn't deserve me. I have up friends, jobs, schools, my life to support him. I lost my own identity somewhere along the way. I was a stay at home mom for 6 years. I had no relevant skills or experience in my line of work after all the time. 

Four deployments, countless training trips. 12-14 hour days...all with the promise that when the Marines were done with him I would get a chance to concentrate on things I'm interested. We could actually plan family trips and fuck...just breathe for once. 

That lasted 135 days. We hadn't even completely unpacked and settled in that house. 

And why for the love of God did you do it in our home. Just across the hall from where my children slept. The blood stain on the floor was a permanent reminder of your exit. I had to live in that fucking house for 7 months after you did it. How could you do that to me? I cleaned your brains off the garage ceiling. 

I have to lie to the kids and tell them what an amazing man you were. 

Your pain is gone and ours started that night. It's present every day that passes. Fuck you for doing this to us. I have no idea what I'm doing. I don't know how I'm going to take care of your kids. You had no life insurance. I had to borrow money to pay for your cremation. It's no longer your concern I guess. 

I'm fucking scared, Mike. 

...despite all this anger, pain and rage I fucking love you as much as I did when we were teenagers. It's so unfair.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

False Domestic Violence Allegations and Personality Disorders

Domestic violence is a major issue in our society today, laws have been made to protect those suffering from abuse in the home. It took many years for such laws to be enacted. At one time it was perfectly acceptable for a man to hit, berate and sexually assault his wife. It was considered a valid exercise of authority from husband to wife. We have come a long way. The authorities now recognize this as what it is, abuse.  Because new laws exist women can live freely without fear of violence. Many women are alive today because the court's protection. With that being said, it is also now being used as a tool by women to exercise power over men in their lives. It's a sad and disgusting result of the very laws to protect us. False allegations of domestic violence are at the very least an insult to women who are abused. It makes efforts to secure protection even harder for women who actually need it.  If you are going through a divorce or custody issue and file false charges to gain
Read more

Service Member Suicide

It was recently announced that we have lost more service members this year to suicide than in combat. The statement is shocking, considering we are occupying Afghanistan and other war torn areas of the world and everyday another name is added to the list. People don't want to talk about the suicides. Its as if its a shameful secret swept under the rug. According to the Army soldier suicide is up 80%. EIGHTY PERCENT. We are doing something wrong. It seems that those who truly need help are afraid to talk and those who don't want to quickly blame PTSD for any shortcoming they have in life after war. On the news, if someone robs a bank the first thing they report is he was a combat veteran in one of the branches of the US Military. They skirt around PTSD as a motive. PTSD is real and its not an excuse to toss around lightly. I know why our service members don't reach out. I have been personally effected by it and now since my husband is weeks from retirement and 20 years of
Read more

The Gentle Giant

Image
There are three men in my life that since childhood I have trusted explicitly. Jaime Valenzuela, Sean McGee, and Kenny Loveless. They have loved and protected me for 25 years and have always been there for me in thick and thin. The relationship was special with those three and even to this day I know for a fact that if I called them and told them I needed help their first reply would be "who's ass needs kicking?" It would NOT matter who, or if I were right or wrong they had my back. Today we lost one of those guys and in a way the world feels a bit less safe. We learned that Kenny passed away. He will be sorely missed by so many. We grew up together in a small farming community in Missouri, in the same neighborhood just one street away. There was a group of neighborhood kids who were together daily usually mobbed up in one or the other's front yard. We were as thick as thieves. For the most part even though half of us moved far away and we all grew up to have lives
Read more