Yes, this is my life

When Mike was enlisted it was well known and constantly reinforced that we, as spouses were merely guests. "If the Marine Corps wanted you to have a wife...they'd issue one to you" I never even really picked up the rank structure with him serving 20 years. I am not a Marine. I treated everyone the same regardless of the sticker on their car or the patch on their sleeve. It did not concern me. I went to the functions. I was involved to a point. It's a fine line we walk. Never getting too involved but not appearing unsupportive either.  Mike and I had only been married two years when he came back from Iraq the first time and began Recruiting Duty shortly after. I was pregnant in 2004 and he was on a new duty. When he first came back everything was great. Then we were excited about the move closer to our family, then excited about his first born...and it was a boy! I could not understand when he hit a brick wall. All the joy and all the excitement began to disappear. A d

Losing Mike was hands down the most painful experience of my life. I'd been his partner for so long that my very identity was intertwined with his. At that point you could not decipher where he stopped and I began. When he disappeared I was left in a knotted heap. No longer woven into him just a contorted unrecognizable tangle of a person. I lost myself that night. The self I'd come to know as his wife. I didn't feel any less married when I woke up the next day. I felt hollow, emptied of all emotion, numb and abandoned. I was not angry. I was scared to death. Over the 20 years we knew each other we created this safety net of enabling behavior. We learned to be independently codependent. We were used to being apart. After 20 years in the military we were first apart in miles and then apart in emotional connection. We were comfortably disconnected. It was part of his PTSD. I knew I had to do things alone. Sure, he was there in body but his spirt left years before he died. I

I just finished a rather obvious article about a LESBIAN mayor set on RUINING the church by fighting for equal rights in her town. I could only laugh. The way it was written was so clearly one sided. Yes, one lone homosexual woman is on a mission to eradicate religion in one term. Amazing. Behold the power of the same sex lover! I'm trying not to be judgy here. But, people having legal rights does not change anyone's faith. It maybe challenges your perspective and scares you. It does not change God's love for ALL people. The love was already there. Regardless of your personal view. I find it offensive and just plain ignorant. Did it occur to anyone that you can be gay and Christian...and that's okay? It's not God driving homosexual believers into depression, pain and suicide...it's other believers shaming them to death. God is the judge, not us. Our job here is to love and respect others, their belief and their way. Not to preach what WE think God wants. Our j

This morning a reporter referred to Mike as a "case". It ignited a fire inside of me. My ears burned and I bet hard on my lip. To be honest I was surprised at my reaction to the comment that was most likely just a poor choice of words. He was not a case. His life and death can not be wrapped up neatly into a four letter word. He was a man, a father, a husband, a son, a brother, a friend and a Marine. Ultimately he lived and died for this country. He was loved. He was liked. He felt pain and pride. He cried the day he married me and the first time he held our children in his arms. He may fit the criteria for the alarming statistic but he was and always will be more than just one of twenty two veterans who die every day to suicide. I share our story so that others can be helped. I share to possibly prevent the same fate he...we all...my family endured. He might fall into a statistic but he was no case. Have we become so desensitized that we put these labels on such a tragic e

The reports say an estimated 22 vets a day are dying by suicide. There are only 24 hours in a day. That's nearly a Vet every hour of every single day. My husband took his life at exactly 11:19pm Sunday September 15th 2013. I know the exact time because the entire incident was recorded with 911 from three different phones in my home. The shot rang out at precisely this time.  Although his death certificate reads September 16th, I know otherwise. That's just when the Medical Examiner pronounced him deceased. It was after midnight when the SWAT team made entry in our home. It was more like 3AM. They were advised that he was a newly retired Marine. Retired only 135 Days officially. He shot expert with a rifle. The weapon he used that night. They took extra care and precaution because of this. I knew he was gone the moment I heard the shot. There was a hollow pop. And nothing. No echo, no cries of pain, no ricochet. Silence. My sister kept telling me he had shot the couch or the wa

When I was 6 almost seven years old I was sexually abused by my 19 year old cousin. The memory of that morning is so fresh in my mind, as if it just happened. It's been 30 years. It's something I've tried to push out of my mind, pretend never happened and at times wish away. But I've come to terms with it. I'm no longer ashamed. I know that I was a baby. Just finished the 1st grade. It wasn't my fault. Nothing I did or said caused it. He was 100% at fault. At the time his own parents had kicked him out and my parents had taken him in. It just so happened that shortly after, my mom entered rehab and my dad was in jail. He was left in charge. To look after us. He repaid my parents kindness by abusing their oldest child. I don't think I can ever forgive him. The sight of him makes me want to drop kick him in the face. Over this holiday weekend I had my favorite cousin out to visit us. She's never been to the ocean or been on a plane so it's been reall