Things I Will Never Understand

I just realized Mikes been gone almost twice as long as he was retired. He had 135 days retired. Four and a half months. That's it. After 20 long dedicated years to the Marines and the country there is still so much I don't understand about the circumstances surrounding his death and how it was treated by the Marines, the VA, the government he protected. 

His headstones says it all:    PERSIAN GULF

                                                    IRAQ

                                            AFGHANISTAN 

He had so many military services that I couldn't even fit all we wanted on his tombstone. That is a big deal. 

We fell into an interesting loophole with his death.  Marines have life insurance automatically for 120 days after retiring. He died on the 135th day. He was 15 days over the cut off. Two weeks made the difference between providing for my kids or not after his death. Meanwhile his headstone proves he was more than entitled. I couldn't even afford his cremation. I had to borrow money for that. Marines said their hands are tied.

The VA ruled his death was NOT service connected however at the time of his death he had not been rated a percentage of disability. To this day nearly a year later he has not been given a percentage.

Despite my having gone to the command years before begging them to help him, pleading crying. He just denied it and it was never addressed. He told me he wanted to die. If he had a gun he'd already be dead. That was in 2005. He had rectal bleeding in 2006. He had a colonoscopy and nothing was wrong. Doctor said "stress". He thought he was having a heart attack in 2012. The naval hospital did an EKG and his heart was fine. Docs said it was anxiety and stress. He was ordered a sleep study after telling the doctors he was having a hard time sleeping. Always feeling tired. He had two surgeries at the end of his career both times the doctor and corpsman warned him his blood pressure was extremely high. 

All of these physiological signs of PTSD missed. Alone they are minor, put together they paint a picture of someone dealing with some serious issues. The were either ignored or overlooked. 

The VA will still not change his death to service related. They refuse to admit that a suicide just 135 days after retiring from the military could be anything other than service related. What else could it be?

The coroner commented in the autopsy that besides the bullet wound he was an "otherwise healthy 39 year old male". 

He had a life and so much to live for. He had a wife of 11 years and three children. We had a decent home, he was finally near his parents and siblings. He loved his dog. He was in college. He should have been happy. He had no reason to be unhappy other than the silent battle in his head. He was more and more lost daily. He didn't get better after retirement as we so desperately hoped.

He began drinking heavily after retiring. He could get away with it finally I guess. He was never really much of a drinker. He said he'd finally retired and deserved to live a little when I'd mention it worried me. He'd get drunk and tell people what a bitch I was for going to bed and not partying with him. I had to go to work the next day. His behavior completely declined. There was no joy at all. His eyes lost their sparkle. He didn't shower. He didn't care.

I read an article last night about the VA firing one of their big wigs. For scheduling mismanagement. My stomach dropped. Out of curious it's I took a look at Mikes cell phone records from before he died. He called the VA over 20 times leading up to his death. Now I will forever wonder if he had reached out and been put on the back burner, ignored and again...let down. That kills me inside. 

How can they assure me it was anything else? Will I never know? Will he be swept under the rug with all the others who died due to this "mismanagement"?

If you google "military suicide widow" just on the first page you will see widows from nearly every state have had to literally sue the government in order to rule their husbands death as service connected and or to receive his life insurance. Talk about rubbing salt in a deep wound.

22 veterans commit suicide everyday. In my husbands case it was absolutely the result of his 20 years dedicated to the Marine Corps. Are 22 other families every day doing what I'm forced to do? Are the wondering if their loved one was completely let down by the government they served? Are they left mouth agape, shocked by the lack of concern or interest in the clear epidemic of veteran suicide? Do they resent the sacrifices made just to be forgotten? 

There are so many things I still and may never understand. I have three children to take care of alone. I have to not only tell them their dad is dead but we have to move to a tiny apartment because that's all I can afford, they can't have a happy meal, play sports or do things they had always done prior because mommy has no money. I can do without a lot of things. It sucks that my kids have had so much change. So much loss. I am doing my best to make it. I'm just trying to make it through each day. 

I don't even know if I have the time or energy to fight for what is so clearly entitled. I have to put the fight, along with him to rest and accept the reality of what our life has become. I am all my kids can depend on and no matter what the Marines, the VA or anyone else says I will tell my babies their daddy was a real life Hero.

My mind and body are exhausted. There are just things I will never understand.