Cant Rain All The Time
I have ups and downs since he died. Sometimes I can go hours now without remembering. Sometimes everything reminds me of him, of us, of his death, of our loss.
Even crazier, I have noticed that in the oddest times I am struck with what feels like signs from him. Is it my grief? Am I grasping for something, anything?
When I was a teenager my favorite movie was The Crow. Even though it was an action film to me it was a romantic story. A dark romantic story, of course but the idea that Eric Draven came back from the dead to avenge his wife's murder was tragically beautiful.
Life isn't a movie or comic book. I know this. I know its just in my head and the grief is messing with my mind but I figure if its not hurting me, holding me back or preventing me from moving on I am just going to believe whatever I want. I am moving on. I am doing my best.
I feel like hes been sending me these little messages. They come at the weirdest times. Just when I want to give up. When I feel like I cant get any lower I get these little motivational pushes.
I was in the car last night after leaving the VFW to begin the planning his memorial event. I was nearly in tears and just exhausted. The thought that its been nearly a year already is hard to accept. The car was silent. Suddenly the radio popped on...
"Dont waste your time on me. You're already a voice inside my head. I miss you."
A Blink 182 song that I haven't heard in years. But the "don't waste your time on me" thing...That is so Mike. He told me once he didn't want a funeral. He didn't want a retirement party at the end of his career too. I just laughed at the irony. Even if it wasn't him it made me feel better. That's all that really matters.
This morning I awoke to a loud whisper in my ear "MOVE!" I could feel the breath on my ear and the shake scared me. I jumped up and asked Sean what was wrong?! He turned his head, opened his eyes and looked at me like I was nuts. He still had on his apnea mask. He couldn't have said it. I still asked him if he just shook me and told me to move. He said of course he didn't.
It bothered me all day. Was it a dream? It felt too real. It dawned on me the possible answer while picking up the kids today after another song popped on randomly. It was a song called the Cave by Mumford and Sons. I had to google it because I didn't know it:
"So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"
Even crazier, I have noticed that in the oddest times I am struck with what feels like signs from him. Is it my grief? Am I grasping for something, anything?
When I was a teenager my favorite movie was The Crow. Even though it was an action film to me it was a romantic story. A dark romantic story, of course but the idea that Eric Draven came back from the dead to avenge his wife's murder was tragically beautiful.
Life isn't a movie or comic book. I know this. I know its just in my head and the grief is messing with my mind but I figure if its not hurting me, holding me back or preventing me from moving on I am just going to believe whatever I want. I am moving on. I am doing my best.
I feel like hes been sending me these little messages. They come at the weirdest times. Just when I want to give up. When I feel like I cant get any lower I get these little motivational pushes.
I was in the car last night after leaving the VFW to begin the planning his memorial event. I was nearly in tears and just exhausted. The thought that its been nearly a year already is hard to accept. The car was silent. Suddenly the radio popped on...
"Dont waste your time on me. You're already a voice inside my head. I miss you."
A Blink 182 song that I haven't heard in years. But the "don't waste your time on me" thing...That is so Mike. He told me once he didn't want a funeral. He didn't want a retirement party at the end of his career too. I just laughed at the irony. Even if it wasn't him it made me feel better. That's all that really matters.
This morning I awoke to a loud whisper in my ear "MOVE!" I could feel the breath on my ear and the shake scared me. I jumped up and asked Sean what was wrong?! He turned his head, opened his eyes and looked at me like I was nuts. He still had on his apnea mask. He couldn't have said it. I still asked him if he just shook me and told me to move. He said of course he didn't.
It bothered me all day. Was it a dream? It felt too real. It dawned on me the possible answer while picking up the kids today after another song popped on randomly. It was a song called the Cave by Mumford and Sons. I had to google it because I didn't know it:
"So tie me to a post and block my ears
I can see widows and orphans through my tears
I know my call despite my faults
And despite my growing fears
But I will hold on hope
And I won't let you choke
On the noose around your neck
And I'll find strength in pain
And I will change my ways
I'll know my name as it's called again"
Seriously? No really? Was he telling me to get up? Did he see how much I have been struggling to be active in my life. Did he know I have been having a hard time waking up in the morning? Was that his way to remind me I am slipping? Because...I certainly jumped up scared as hell when that happened. I didn't fall back asleep most assuredly. Even after I dropped the kids at school and was cleaning through the day the wake up was on my mind.
It could have just been a crazy and realistic dream but it did make me think about how I am letting the depression get a hold of me and how I need to "just MOVE." Just keep moving. One foot in front of the other. As hard as it is.
So...I realize it might be the grief. But, its useful to me right now so I am not concerned. Yet.
Comments
Post a Comment