INTRUSIVE MEMORIES

Unfortunately a symptom of my condition is Intrusive Memories. Basically what that means is I have constant thought of the traumatic event or certain aspects of the event. I haven't quite figured out what triggers them but once I begin to think of them its hard to get it off my mind. When this happens I find its best to write about it. Today the recurring memory was the fear that night. More importantly coming to terms with the fact that it was my own husband, the man I lived with for 11 years, with whom I trusted my life and the father of my children.
The event itself lasted just minutes. I was on the phone with the 911 operator during the whole thing. When that shot rang out I shouted "there was a shot! He shot!" The operator said to grab the kids and run. Run as far as we could. In order for us to run we had to pass the garage where he was. The terror I felt as we past that spot is indescribable. I just knew if he was not dead already he would turn the gun on us from the garage. I kept looking back while keeping the kids in front of me, hidden from him. Would he shoot? Would I even know it was coming? We made it to the neighbors home and for a moment felt safe until it hit me...I have now just put my neighbor and her family in danger. The fear was paralyzing.

...This...this was my husband. No. I know my husband. He was moody and very hard to please but he was no killer. Who is this person? Would he come after us?

Over and over this plays in my head.

I know now that he was dead instantly but the fear of the unknown in those confusing moments will stay with me forever. 

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