Yes, this is my life

...and I haven't stopped crying since. After nearly five months I got the courage up. As I was getting out of the car one of thre gentlemen working asked if I needed any help. I replied " no thank you. I am just here to visit my husband." Are you fucking kidding me? That came out of my mouth. This is my reality. How surreal. I cried so hard. I sat right there on the grass up against his headstone sobbing uncontrollable. He's gone forever. 

Now that time has passed and we are approaching five months since he passed I realized there really was a "fog" my head was in immediately after Mikes death. I did so many things in hindsight I wish I hadn't done. Also, so many things happened and I should have spoke up but I just didn't have the energy to fight it. The thing that bothers me the most is, we had the owner of Servpro come in to do the biohazard cleaning in the garage. He offered to do the work for trade of the value in Mikes tools. I didn't have money the day after he died and I needed all the blood cleaned up before I could bring my kids back in the house. So I agreed. Mike was a mechanic. I had also been buying him Craftsman tools every holiday since we were married.  The guy took every single tool in our garage. Everything. He basically robbed us.  There were also several items that he said must be disposed of because they were a biohazard. Mikes amazing Halloween coffin. the one he made special

Sometimes when it's late at night and everyone is asleep I wander around this dark house hoping Mike will appear to me. I don't know what I want him to say or even say anything at all. I just want to see his face one more time.  I've accepted that he's gone. I've begun to move on with my life and am finally starting to feel joy again but still, I hope to catch a glimpse of him. Sometimes I have to really try to remember what his voice sounded like. I'd like to hear him say he's okay now, or that he loves me or it's not my fault. These are all things I know but to hear them would be amazing.  No joy, love, happiness or light in my life now will ever take away what we had. That was special and different just as the relationships and love I feel now are.  I'm really surprised and proud of how the kids are adjusting. They are thriving. They are still funny and laugh and grow everyday. I am thankful. I know he is watching and I hope he is proud of us.  I

I realized yesterday that I have successfully supported my family all on my own for the past four months. It's something I never thought I could do on my own. Seems so surreal sometimes. I never planned on being here but I played the hand I was dealt and I didn't lose. I have more good days than bad. I'm not completely overwhelmed by the future and the unknown. When I stumble across something that belonged to Mike, I no longer burst into tears. I smile and take a moment to remember him with it and go on with my day.  I've decided to make the move back to San Diego. It's where my kids grew up and where I feel most "at home". We came back to our hometown after Mije retired to settle down and start the rest of our life. Staying in this house makes me feel like my life is paused. It no longer feels like my home. I walk past the garage door daily knowing what happened on the other side just feet away. It's a constant reminder. I want to let it go. I want to

For some reason it's been on my mind for days so maybe blogging about it will let it rest... The last night Mike was alive keeps replaying in my mind. It was a Saturday. As usual I went to bed alone. I was asleep before he ever came to bed. I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like someone was staring at me. Was I dreaming?  I woke up in a panic. He was sitting on the bed over me really close. I could feel his shallow breath. He was stroking my hair and face. It was really unusual. Not something I can recall him ever doing. I could see his face by the moonlight shining in our bedroom window. He was crying. His eyes were hollow. It's as if he wasn't there. I remember being scared. But then, for some reason I turned toward him and began comforting him. He never said a word. Nor did I.  I knew that sex calmed him down. For whatever reason, if nothing else out of fear, I complied.  I don't know how long he sat over me or why. It replays in my mind daily. It was so o

Well, I sorta met someone. Someone who makes me want to make solid plans for the future. He makes me feel alive, and happy and content in my heart. He feels like "home" to me. I've dated a few boys since Mike passed away but it was mostly to fill my free time and distract me from missing my husband. This one feels completely different. I don't want to run away from him. I want to run straight to him. This is amazing. He was really there all along. I just didn't notice him... When Mike died I was inundated with sympathy messages on Facebook. I did my best to say thank you to all of them. I got a message from Sean. He said he had known Mike since school in Tennessee. Mike used to drive home from Tennessee to visit me on the weekends.  He told me that he attended the retirement seminar with Mike and they spoke about the stresses both were facing and had survived. At first he was a connection to Mike. I listened to his stories. I soaked in the connection.  As time wen