At Least Once A Day...

Our days are getting easier. We are slipping into a new normal that is filled with laughter and happiness. We spent all weekend swimming with friends. Sean and I took a ride on the bike today and then we took the kids to a delicious little diner here in Fallbrook. 

We are all accepting the joy in life. But, after coming home from an amazing weekend I checked Facebook to see a friend had liked a wedding photo of me and Mike. It was like a punch in the gut. I have not nor will I ever forget him and the life we created together. It is impossible. I am allowing myself to move on and create a life for us. Yes, it's hard. It's made easier with the help of amazing people around me daily. 

Yesterday the punch in the gut was also on Facebook. In my newsfeed someone was excitedly posting plans for an upcoming concert...the day before Mike would turn 40. It was a double whammy. First because he would have been 40 this year. It's a big birthday. Also I teased him relentlessly for 20 years about being older than me, that I would always be younger than him. I realized I was wrong. There will come a time when I am older than him. The second part of the whammy is that it's almost been a year that he's been gone. Close enough that people are making plans. He died exactly one week before his 39th birthday.

No matter how much joy I have or how long I can temporarily forget the enormous loss...there will be at least one moment in my day when the wind is knocked out of me. I will be reminded of my reality and the walls will crumble. Even if only for a few moments before I can shake it off. It will always be there. He will always be part of who I am. I am getting better at recovering, the sadness doesn't last as long. You may not even know I'm in that place. I don't break down and cry in random public places. 

I never know what will cause it. I don't know when but I realize at least once a day...

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