They Will Never Know

My kids will never know how scared I am or how sick I have become since their father died. They wont know that I had a panic attack in the movie theater so severe I went to the restroom to puke  or that on my sons school field trip a balloon popping sent me into fight or flight and I ran from the building crying because they have seen and experienced enough at their young ages.
As I sit here watching them laugh and splash in the pool I smile at them but a million thoughts race through my mind. I may have to file bankruptcy, I dont know if I can pay for camp, I have a job interview tomorrow but I dont know if I can afford childcare or Where to look for it.
I only know that despite feeling victimized and wronged I still have to provide for them. Im all they have now. I am overwhelmed with the reality of what our life has become. They are so brave. They are the reason I keep trying even on the days im not sure what im trying to do.
Ive been assured that im not crazy by professionals but there are days I question it.
I have no choice in my circumstances. I have to do this. Me.

Im scared to death. How am I going to raise them to be Productive healthy members of society when most days I just want to curl up in bed under the blankets?

I smile and tell them I love them and its okay to be sad and miss daddy.  That everything is going to be okay. But the truth is im not sure it will.  I pray everyday for peace for guidance and to not fuck up with my kids.

There are moments when they are telling me a story or about their day but im so distracted by the what if thoughts or overwhelmed that I don't hear a word they are saying. I feel terrible about that. They deserve my full attention.  They deserve so much more than I have been able to give them.

All I ever wanted was for my kids to have a mom and a dad love and security. All the things I didn't and I think im failing them.

The doctor told me the PTSD will never go away. I thought dealing with Mike's was hard and no way to live. Now I have it and cant imagine feeling this way my whole life. I love my kids. I have to do better for them.

No one loves them more than me. I will never leave them but I cant promise them what id hoped for when they were born. Life has changed. I have changed. I just dont want to disappoint them. 

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