Yes, this is my life

Today after school Kira was helping with yardwork. We planted some flowers. She helped me rake up leaves. We both really enjoy doing gardening together. We chat a lot while working and one if her questions really got me. It was "Did Daddy ever let you mow the grass?" ....I just sorta stopped. Did he LET ME? It was a moment I thought would never happen. The first and maybe only positive change since losing him a year ago. At tge end of his life he really had to control everything in our life. We had to get permission to do ANYTHING. It was part of his illness and we got used to living this way. It was so clear, the difference. No one LETS me do anything. I am glad for that. I hope she grows to never give anyone that power.  Life has changed.  I will never allow that to be taken from us again.

Kira asked me what time it was in heaven today. I wasn't sure how to respond. I don't even know if time is a concept up there. In three weeks it will be a full year he's been gone. Does he know he's missed? Does he know that Kira looks like him more everyday? Does he know that Mason connects to him each time we head to the beach? Or that when I hear Metallica I tear up no matter where I am? Or that I sometimes find myself buying Oreos or pop tarts for him in the grocery store, only to turn around and put them back on the shelf? We've learned to let go just enough to move on. We have learned to live our life as it is now, different. Time doesn't heal anything. It only teaches us to cope with the pain. What once was catastrophic has evolved into a part of who we are. There's a hint of sadness in our hearts even on the happiest of days.  It's woven into the fabric of who we became in the wake of such loss. What once was a pain so excruciating is now in a wa

We are nearing a year since hes been gone and things are finally starting to aettle down. The kids are thriving and the loss no longer consumes my every thought...but still the oddest moments seem to break my heart. Its nothing done intentionally. Earlier this week while going through a box in the garage I found one of his favorite shirts and instantly all the memories I have of him in it flooded my mind. I broke down and cried right there. One of my friends husbands posted photos of his family on facebook today and asked how did he get so lucky to have such a beautiful family. I was happy for him but it stung my heart. Why weren't we beautiful enough? Why didnt he hold on for us? I have to remind myself he was sick and it wasnt about us. It was about him. We didnt fail him. We loved him until the end. I hope to one day be adored that way. For someone to be so proud of the life they created with us. Im sorry Mike isnt around to see the beauty he created.

Robin Williams committed suicide so now its suddenly important. Every news paper has an article about it. About statistics, signs and warnings. It just reopens old wounds. No one gave a shit when Mike died. Sure Robin was an actor but he was just an entertainer. Mike went to war four fucking times! I am feeling so depressed tonight.

We do not qualify for life insurance through the VA, nor DIC. I cannot transfer his post 911 education benefits because hes not alive to consent. His death was ruled NOT service related. Because of this I do not qualify for any spouse education assistance at all. When Mike died I had been working only two months. After 7 years of staying home with the kids. I have no employment history for nearly a decade. I applied for FAFSA. I may be eligible for about 15K toward school. I found out today, in the state of CA if you receive social security death benefits youre not eligible for SNAP. Am I stressed? Yes. Am I praying for a miracle? Yes. I could go get a job at a grocery store but then I lose the death benefits of 800 a month. AND I have to pay for childcare. When it is all said and done I make less than the 800. What am I going to do? Im not blaming Mike. What he did THEN wont help where I an NOW. My credit is ruined. I literally have nothing. My ideas are exhausted. Im not goi