I dreamed about him last night...

It wasn't really a good dream. He was standing in the garage with that same hollow look in his eyes. It was as if I were in there with him. Or watching it on TV. It was dark all around him but looked as if a spotlight was on him. He made the sign of the cross...father...son...holy spirit...then brought his arm up. I knew what was happening next but I was powerless to stop it. It was in slow motion. I didn't hear the clap of the shot though just an intense flash of light, then it woke up. The image has been replaying in my mind all day. I can't shut it off.

The weird thing about loving someone is it just never goes away. Unconditional love is a blessing and a curse. He's always in the back of my mind. When I'm at the grocery store I have to stop myself from getting Dr. Pepper and double stuffed Oreos because I know they were his favorite. When I see a mustang or a Marine. When I was at a friends house last week he was sawing wood. The scent of the hot saw dust reminded me of how much he loved woodworking. When the kids are trying their best to swim I think " if only your dad was here to teach you." He was an amazing swimmer.

I'm moving on and I'm really starting to love my new life and relationship but that in no way means I didn't love the hell out of that man. You can't dedicate 12 years of your existence to making a life and family with someone to just wake up one day and make it all disappear.

 I fought for us and our marriage. Now, I fight to keep his memory alive for our kids. I fight to stay healthy enough to make good choices for us. I fight the tears when the memories flood in. I fight the anxiety when I wake up in a cold sweat after the nightmares. I fight sleep so I don't have to dream.


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