Yes, this is my life

As long as I can remember I have had weird déjà vu type dreams. Nothing incredibly significant. It's just usually enough to stop me and ask myself "have I been here before?" And then I recall the dream. It would be great if it were say...for lottery winning numbers but no it's usually the way the light will hit a mustard bottle in a cafe I have only been in that once. Something ridiculous. However there was one time in which I knew quite clearly something terrible was going to happen. The only problem was I could not remember the dream foretelling of the threat. It was 9-11. On the morning of September 11th, I woke up in a complete panic. I didn't oversleep. Nothing was out of the norm. However, nothing could shake the impending doom. Something very bad was going to happen. I could not stop thinking about this feeling I had. I couldn't shake it while getting ready for work and then on the commute. I decided to call my mom hoping she could "talk me down&qu

Every year for the past 13 years I have made a chocolate cake on September 22. It's Mike's birthday. There wasn't much Mike absolutely loved but that is one thing that made him giddy like a child. He didn't care for a store bought cake. He like a plain old box cake with whipped chocolate frosting. No sprinkles, no bedazzling...simple.  The first year I made his cake was 2003. We had been married just 9 months and he had just returned from his first tour in Iraq. We lived in a small apartment in Spring Valley. It was just him and I but I made a big deal that day. I walked across the street and bought a pack of silly party hats at the dollar store and made him put one on before he blew out his candles. I wouldn't let him touch the cake until he put on the hat.  He spent so much time alone before we married that he didn't really celebrate things. Holidays and birthdays were just another day to him. I brought out the silly in him. We were different that way. I looke

Have you ever watched the documentaries about what happens on the beach right before a tsunami? One minute you're frolicking in the waves and the next, the sea disappears...it receded as far as the eye can tell. The water is gone. You look around and its nothing but sand and rock. It's weird. You know it's unusual, you sense something is very wrong but your curiosity draws you further out to investigate. It's quiet...too quiet...eerie even. What the heck is going on? You're stunned. Then with a roar of a thousand trains the enormous wall of water takes you without hesitation.... The time period prior to a tsunami is very similar to the days leading up to Mike's suicide. If I had to describe what it was like I would say that fits the feeling best. I knew something was off. His behavior was weird. It defied logic. It confused and stunned me at times. I could not put my finger on what was happening right in front of me. I had never seen such behavior from him. Just

Seems like an odd paring but in the past two years I've noticed a connection. I don't talk much about it but I have a combination of autoimmune disorders. I was first diagnosed with one at age 30. In the years following, after seeing a long line of specialists it was discovered I had another and possibly a third. Now pushing 37 I monitor them closely and receive treatment to maintain. I have blood tests to check my hormone levels and make sure I take my medication as prescribed. It took about three years for the doctors to decide what exactly was wrong with me. I felt as if I were dying. I went from running 6 miles a day to barely being able to get out of bed. I was given antidepressants at first. I think that's the go to for doctors who don't quite get the full picture. After seeing a therapist, an endocrinologist, a rhumatologist, a neurologist...all the "ologists" really...it was determined I had a thyroid condition. My body does not produce adequate moist

I am a member of the largest support group for families who have lost a service member to suicide. There are mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, children and widows of Veterans lost in the mix. We provide great comfort to one another. In the past two years I have seen a common problem and have personally experienced it myself. I read a quote recently that said there is no name for a parent who has lost their child. I don't necessarily think that is a terrible thing. Being called a widow is not a gift. In fact it can feel more like a branding or harsh label than a luxury. What I will share here is not a debate on who has it worse but a description of what life is like after your spouse dies, in hopes that maybe a parent can empathize. There is this huge divide between parents and spouses after loss. It drives a wedge in a relationship and eventually can cause the completely severed communication in a family that needs that connection more than ever. I know because I lived throu

I am a member of the largest support group for families who have lost a service member to suicide. There are mothers, fathers, brothers and sisters, children and widows of Veterans lost in the mix. I read a quote recently that said there is no name for a parent who has lost their child. I don't necessarily think that is a terrible thing. Being called a widow is not a gift. In fact it can feel more like a branding or harsh label than a luxury. What I will share here is not a debate on who has it worse but a description of what life is like after your spouse dies, in hopes that maybe a parent can empathize. There is this huge divide between parents and spouses after loss. It drives a wedge in a relationship and eventually can cause the completely severed communication in a family that needs that connection more than ever. I know because I lived through it and now have no contact with my husband's parents. Their only connection to their son...our children, have no relationship wi