Yes, this is my life

My husband's suicide is not the reason I'm a damaged person. That began long before his death. Statistically I was more likely to end up in an abusive relationship because of my childhood. It's not something you consciously go out and look for either. It just happens. Like attracts like. I thought back then in my 20s if I got far enough away from the chaos and addiction and bad environment I could have a chance at "normal". I didn't realize then that what I was running from already lived inside of me. The damage was already done. I just went from one unhealthy environment to another. Neither better or worse, just different. It wasn't until after Mike died and I began working on myself that I learned I will always be this way until I address the issues inside me. It doesn't matter where I go. Just being away from a bad situation won't fix it. I would always end up with the same or similar outcome because it's me that's broken. I'm not

I've been asked how a friend can help someone who makes suicidal suggestions, threats or promises on social media...especially friends who are not close in proximity. Even friends you don't know location. How can you get them help if you don't know where to start? The first and easiest is to send me the persons name and what you know about the situation. If I'm friends with them especially and this method happens most often. I've now prevented suicides from happening in Florida, Alabama, Louisiana, Indiana and Colorado from my home in San Diego. I've also stopped them here and in my home town but those were easy to hunt down. Everyone who posts on social media give a plethora of information about their life whether they realize it or not. If you are actually paying attention to what your friends say you pick up bits and pieces of their lives. If your friend posts something concerning or uncharacteristic you feel it in your stomach. It just drops to your knees.

I'm going to do my best to express what happened today and how I feel right now and I hope it makes some sort of sense. I'm shaking, so wound up. My head is spinning and I doubt I will sleep tonight. I was told I saved another life today. I've done it before...stopped a suicide. Up until now it's always been a stranger or a friend of a friend. This time was too close to home. This time it was a childhood friend. We went to school together. His brother and I were pretty close in middle school. I remember having a huge crush on him back then. He was tall and dreamy and had perfect hair. We grew up and moved to opposite parts of the country. Me in California and they in Indiana. We still kept in touch through Facebook. His brother later took his life. A few years later my husband did the same. We became very close in that shared pain. Today was the anniversary of the brothers suicide. He posted a "good bye" on his Facebook page and a mutual friend saw it and to

Sometimes when the house is very quiet and I'm alone I ask Mike to appear or give me a sign he's around. It never happens and I am completely aware it sounds crazy. I used to feel him around me. I dreamed about him. I could swear I smelled him randomly here and there. Now it is as if he's gone for good. Not that he wasn't gone for good in 2013. Maybe it means he's found peace and crossed over to heaven or maybe he was never around at all. Maybe that was just my grief-stricken imagination. Maybe it was a way to deny his absence. To fool myself into thinking he isn't REALLY   gone. I don't know.