Yes, this is my life

After an exceptionally trying day with the kids, I decided to take a long hot bath. Pandora playing Willie Waylon and Johnny. It was my moment of zen. Or I thought. After I got out of the tub I dried off and grabbed Mikes green undershirt shirt. It was up over my head, not even fully on when his scent hit me and without so much as an exhale I crumpled to the ground in tears. I held the shirt to my face and bawled, a loud ugly cry. I don't know why exactly. I can't even describe the emotion. I have washed this shirt 2 dozen times since he died. I guess wearing it daily for 20 years leaves a permanent trace.  Like his scent on the shirt he's left a mark on my heart. I will never fully be over him.  I take two steps forward and one back.  My heart is open to new possibilities but as long as there is a scent on this shirt I will be holding on to the past. My rational brain says I need to toss it. My heart says keep it by my face when I sleep tonight. Just one more night.

I was told to brace myself for the holidays that they would hit me like a ton of bricks. The magnitude of my harsh reality would knock me down. So, I took that advice. I prepared myself.  This morning I woke up with all my children, my sister and her child and my brothers children under my roof. I'm not sad. I am proud. I am so thankful to have all my babies together. This is something I've longed for, nearly 11 years now. This moment.  Instead of counting my sorrows, I'm counting my blessings. I have everything I need and most of what I want. I have amazing family and friends. I have healthy growing, thriving, funny, beautiful children. We have much love and laughter.  I have a home, food, my bills are paid and I have security. These are things that some people struggle to have a lifetime. I've got it. I appreciate it. Yes, this year has been a hard one. We have moved cross country, changed lifestyles, new home, schools, jobs, lost Mike and are now rebuilding this new

I wonder how long this is going to last? I'm not at my darkest, not in denial, not consumed with grief but still having a hard time letting him go. I still feel a constant dull pain in my heart. An emptiness within. I feel a bit frustrated with myself.  It's almost December, the holidays are coming up and it won't be our first Christmas without him but it will be our first Christmas since he's passed. I made the mistake of saying "chicken butt" today to Kira and immediately cringed. Instead of making her sad, she smiled and closed her eyes saying "My dad used to call me that!" I have been avoiding words and phrases that we have always used with them because I was afraid to make them more upset. I realized in that moment that they need them. They want to hold on to those memories. I want to as well. What do I keep and what do I let go?  When will I feel whole again?  When does the hurt stop?  I've let go of anger, resentment, rage, denial. But I s

A psychic contacted me recently and told me she was compelled to share a few things about Mike. Most of which were not surprising. The thing that stuck out most was she said Mike didn't originally intend on committing suicide. That was not his immediate intent. And this is something I really wrestled with. When I called 911 that night he got to the first landing, holding a loaded rifle. He looked up at me and said "you called the fucking cops?!" It just seemed so odd to me. So unusual.  The question in my head was what was his immediate intent? Was he just trying to scare me? Did my calling the police make him feel as if he now had no choice? Was he planning on something worse? After all these thoughts I relived the last few moments of his life, every detail. I know now that I wouldn't have changed the way I handled it. From the moment I heard the bolt of that gun click and knew he had a loaded weapon in the house I had a duty to protect my children. They are first ab

When he died it wasn't just the loss of his physical life it was the death of our life as we knew it. I am learning this more as time goes on and the reality sinks in. I was speaking to a friend this evening and he mentioned he bought an older house. I said that was a goal that Mike and I had before he died. We wanted to buy an old run down house and completely rehab it ourselves. We had all if these plans...ideas...dreams.  When he died so did all of those dreams. All of the vacations we planned taking the kids on, places we were going to travel. He was supposed to take me to Ireland. We were supposed to have a recommitment ceremony after he retired since we ran away to Vegas all those years ago. We wanted all our friends and family around to celebrate with us. I've accepted that he's gone. I now have to make peace with the fact that all our dreams must be let go too. I have to make my own way, goals and dreams. I am not the same person I was two months ago. 

Today I felt a sense of closure in seeing his headstone. I was more proud than anything really. He served his country proudly. His children will know he was a hero. We can now let go of how he died and remember how he lived. There is no longer anger, resentment, guilt or shame...only sadness for my family and every one who loved him. It will never go away. It will always be there.  I will honor him in my work with veterans and their families. Sharing our story and saving lives. I know I cannot change what happened to him but I can try to prevent it from happening to others.  ...and nothing else matters....

I'm not angry, or resentful, or in denial. I've fully accepted he's gone but I just miss him. I'm lonely a lot even in a houseful of people. It's just this emptiness. I went from being with Mike for 11 years to being so terribly alone. I have plenty of friends and my children to keep me busy but it feels like I've left my house without my purse everyday.  I miss him. I miss how no matter where he or I was going I would always kiss him good bye. Even if I was just running to the gas station.  Every night at bed time Kira had to kiss her dad first and then me. Always in that order. I miss watching him play in the floor with the dog and the kids. I miss cutting his hair and making him supper. I still have to stop myself from grabbing him a doctor pepper when I stop anywhere. He loved chocolate cake and chocolate frosting. His favorite meal was Lasagna. He drank Jack and Dr Pepper. He loved the Walking Dead and woodworking in the garage. Of I gave him an idea for so

http://m.stltoday.com/news/local/metro/invisible-war-mounting-toll/article_1012a40a-7fdd-5ac6-bfd6-c31025ae110c.html?mobile_touch=true Our story hit the Sunday edition of the St.Louis Post. Front page and three pages total.  Tomorrow is ironically the Marine Corps Birthday. We are also coming up on two months since he's been gone. Besides the article in the Post I will also be a guest on a radio program tomorrow morning. It will be to share his story and promote awareness.  I would rather have him remember for who he was not how he died but I must sacrifice that in order to help others. So many are suffering. It's not a cake walk for us. It IS getting easier to manage everyday. The kids behavior has changed. My beautiful sweet and always easy Kira has taken to throwing tantrums of epic proportions. The blow ups come out of nowhere. Mas and Tj are still being defiant and testing limits. I'm short tempered and hate noise. It's a blast. It will pass. I'm getting out a