Yes, this is my life

I think there are no coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason. I don't always know the reason until I'm meant to know. I am okay with that. When you are of the opinion that nothing is chance the world seems a bit magical and situations can even be divine. Perhaps it's my convoluted imagination or simply wishful thinking. Does it matter? Nope. I'm not hurting anyone or myself in this thinking and it makes me smile. I will give you an example of this occuring:  Tuesday after school I took the kids to Del Mar Beach on base. It is the ONE place where I can almost always feel Mike's presence. It was our place. It's where we built sandcastle with the kids, jumped waves and had several family photos done. It's so strong, this feeling that it brings tears to my eyes just stepping in the sand. So, back to my story...we went to the beach this week. As the kids are jumping in the shallow waves I walked along the shore line. As per my usual I began to tear...

You will learn as I have that in grief, there is no wrong or right way to get through it. There is no formula to follow. If you did find a "how-to" online...I'd be leery about trusting it. I certainly wouldn't suggest that for my Mentees. Having said this, I have noticed in my own grief and in helping others that there are several "roadblocks" we may arrive at in our journey. I can't say they will happen to everyone. Only that these possible scenarios can happen and knowing ahead of time, being prepared may help you over the hurdles or possibly around them completely. I hope by mentioning these things you can assess your own situation and move forward. If they aren't something you find familiar now it's nice just to keep handy for the future. I find its also helpful in understanding others grief. Their personal path. One of the biggest roadblocks I've experienced and observed in others is substance abuse. When we aren't given the tools i...

I don't know what the professionals call it or if it's even really been discusses but there is a period of time when a person dies in which I refer to as the "novelty period". Most people are well meaning, some people just like to be involved in whatever is popular. There is a certain self gratification people get by consoling the bereaved. It's hard to explain this strange behavior. People come out of the woodworks. It's positive and helpful at first. You really do need support after losing a loved one. But then after a while it just stops. Maybe they think you've "gotten over it". Maybe someone else has died and they've moved on. I don't really know but I distinctly remember the deafening silence that came then. It felt like an oxygen pump was shut off. It sort of takes the wind out of you.  I have helped many families since my own loss and learned it wasn't just something that happened to me. It seemed very common. So much so tha...

Today a mentee asked me how to tell her kids that their father died by suicide. I'm not a doctor or expert by any means so I offered her my person experience in letting my own kids know. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To tell my kids their dad is in heaven and to follow that with the fact that he took his own life. I know this is a biggie. It weighs on every surviving parents shoulders and in our hearts. It's a nagging anxiety ridden question in our minds. It keeps us up at night. How do we explain something we as adults don't even fully understand?  I read every book, googled, spoke to my therapist, spoke to other survivors and did as much soul searching as I could before I talked to my two youngest children about their dad. I slept on it, prayed on it and really reached deep to find the best way to approach the topic. My youngest two were six and eight when he died. My eldest was fourteen. He had more life experience and could understand comp...

I have written many times about the hurtful, inaccurate, hateful, inappropriate comments people make after your loved one dies by suicide. It happens more than you know. I'm sharing yet another random comment sent by a childhood friend of Mike and I. He's actually the eldest brother of Cayce (I've blogged about her a ton over the year. She is the one who died in a drunk driving accident when I was 16.) The crazy thing about this particular situation is I haven't seen this guy since his sisters funeral in 1995...yes, that's 20 years. Mike hadn't seen him since 1993. That's 22 years. Even after we retired and returned to our home town he didn't go visit. They never spoke. He might as well be a stranger. But looking at his message to me you'd think he and Mike were besties and he had some great grudge against me. We lived 2000 miles apart for the majority of those 20 years. However, as I said we hadn't seen him since MC Hammer was 2 Legit 2 Quit.....