Physical Illness and Mental Illness

About five years ago I became very sick. The doctors could not quite figure out what caused the illness. First, they assumed it was ovarian cysts. I had those removed. Then they thought maybe it's lupus. I saw about five specialists. It wasn't a lot of things. It turned out I had an autoimmune disease. Well two autoimmune diseases. Hasimotos and Sjogrens. I also had a lymph node the size of a golf ball in my neck. It could not be biopsies or removed because it was sort of wrapped around a major artery. I kept having severe sinus infections. My ENT decided to do surgery on that. But that's not all...I also started having nerve damage. I still don't have feeling in my big toe. When I got sick I got really sick. I would wake up and not even be able to get down the stairs because my joints ached so bad. 

This went on until right around Mikes death. 

It occurred to me this morning that it's been about a year since my autoimmune symptoms have flared. I think there is a definite connection to emotional stress and physical illness. My thyroid has not gone wonky, my body isn't as stiff. I still have days here and there that I can't open a jar or my grip is poor and the lymph node they said would always remain the size it was is now unremarkable. Average in everyway.

The stress of being a widow is completely different than the stress of being a caretaker of someone with Mikes condition. My worries now are average, I guess. How to raise the kids alone. How to live a life according to our new dynamics, recovering from the manner in which he passed. But my worries are fewer in a sense.

When Mike was alive I walked on eggshells. I tried to anticipate his moods and reactions. I stressed about having the house just right when he walked in the door, making sure his socks were lined up right in his drawer. Taking the blame for the kids so he didn't snap. Everyday waking up knowing this was my routine took a toll on my body. 

It's odd that I didn't connect my physical illness with his mental illness until now. Not that it would have helped me out at all then. I wouldn't stop supporting him and trying to help him "come back". Maybe it would have lessened if I had noticed the correlation. Who knows? What I am sure of is that there was a definite link.

I wondered after he died why he would leave me sick with the kids. He knew about my illness. Why was his more important than mine. Didn't he worry I could die from it and then the kids would be completely alone? I guess that was the anger and disbelief phase of my grief.

Every time my thyroid has been checked since January it's been completely fine. When I get a cold it does not swell. I no longer have nodules on my thyroid. It's like I was never sick. Other than taking the medication (in a lower dose now) you wouldn't even be able to tell. 

It is crazy how the human body works. You know the commercial that says "depression hurts"...they aren't lying. 

I guess I'm writing this blog so that other caretakers who might be suffering from physical illness while dealing with their spouses may also make the connection. Maybe if I had told my doctor what I was dealing with at home it would have made a difference? I can't say. I hope my readers take this experience into consideration. I'm not a doctor. I was just a wife trying my damnedest to help my husband return to me. I am positive there is a direct link. Now more than ever. 

Living with someone highly paranoid, prone to outbursts and mood swings is tough on the family too. It really does effect the entire energy of a home. So just maybe be mindful of that. You might save yourself surgeries, medications and tons of doctor visits. Maybe?