It's been a rocky life

I always thought surviving childhood was the hardest part of my life. I used to tell friends memories of growing up and they said I should write a book because you can't make this stuff up. 

I was raised in Missouri. My mom married my biological father when she was 16. I was born three years later at 19. January of 1979. My brother came the same year in December and my sister three years later. Shortly after her birth my moms brother died drunk driving, it was devastating, Soon my parents divorced and I wouldn't see my father for 11 years. My mom remarried and we moved from Kansas City to St. Louis. My mom and step father were substance abusers. We lived a very chaotic life. It was communal living. People coming and going, we moved from one condemned house to the next. One summer my family had no electricity or water. Back then we thought we were camping. We were so small. We bathed in a horse troth. 
Because my parents addiction they fought regularly. Police officers were often called to my home. Once my father ran over my mom in an argument. My siblings and I witnessed it. In another instance my mom went after my dad with a butcher knife. All us kids could do was hide and wait for it to be over. While they were caught up in their own problems they failed to notice both my sister and I were molested by adult male family members.
They divorced while I was 12. We moved to another town, just my mom and us kids. She got two jobs to care for us and that led me in a caretaker role for my siblings. I became sexually active at 13. Got my first tattoo at 13 as well. At 15 I began dating a 22 year old man who also was an alcoholic. It was a very bad situation. At 16 my best friend was killed in a drunk driving accident.  At 17 I began dating a nice boy from a nice family. I was kicked out of my house and began living with him. It wasn't too long after we began dating that I found out he was one of the major drug dealers in our small town. I had thought I escaped that life but I was wrong. We married when I was 19 and our son was born the following year. We stayed married for four years. Despite trying we both knew we were just playing house and decided to call it quits. I moved back home. It only lasted 6 months and I got an apartment. I allowed my sister to live with me. At the time she was deep into cocaine and our relationship quickly deteriorated. I ran into a boy I had dated as a teen and he was everything I wanted. A marine, disciplined, clean. I moved out to California to be with him. Life was good for awhile. Then he got orders for recruiting duty. He changed. He acted differently. He became mean and short tempered, he isolated himself and began talking about suicide. He had PTSD , he managed to keep it together for 8 more years. In that time we had two more kids and he retired from the marines. Four moths after he retired he killed himself. I thought I had been through the worst but I was wrong. Nothing compares.

It's been a year now since he's passed and I still can't believe this has happened to us. I'm alone in the world with my kids. I was never really taught how to be a good parent. I'm just going with my gut and doing my best. I wonder if things could possibly get worse. I've lived through so much. What else does a God have in store for me?

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