Crazy Dreams

I just finished watching the Sons Of Anarchy episode when the club brings Opies body in to the board room for a goodbye viewing before the funeral and it reminded me of a dream I keep having. A really odd, far fetched dream that I know is not true but for some reason it keeps happening. At least once a week...

I never saw Mikes body after he died. After I held the door closed and heard the pop I picked the kids up and ran. I never opened the door to check on him. I wasn't allowed into the garage to be with him before the coroner took him away. He was cremated after that so my last memory of him is seeing him walk past me with a rifle.

I know my dream is related to the regret of not being able to see him. In my dream he didn't really die. He had witnessed some crime and went into witness protection. The reason it took 5 hours for the cops to get done in the garage was to stage the scene of the "suicide" so he could move away to a different town, under an assumed name awaiting the trial. 

Time went on, we grieved him. Years later he shows up out of the blue. By this time I'm happily remarried. The kids have been adopted and we have finally gotten past the loss. He said he had to do it to protect us. I'm standing in between Mike and Sean. They are both looking at me like I need to make a choice. I'm in absolute tears so confused and shocked. 

The ending isn't always the same though. Most of the time I get insane screaming at him for what he's done to this family. I tell him he's got no right to come back like no big deal life is just going back to the way it was before he died. And then...sometimes I hug him so tight I can feel him, smell him...I just can't let go. Then I wake up.

I know that my dream means I'm torn between the memories and the life in front of me. I know it represents the anger I thought I was past. I know it's a metaphor for what's going on in my scattered brain. Despite knowing all of this I still have the dream. I'm not in denial. I know he's gone. I'm very happy with the life I've made here. I will always miss him. A part of me will always feel abandoned by him and life will go on.

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