Cheated

Today is the day. The dreaded first anniversary of his death. Mostly I just feel completely exhausted. Too tired to reall feel much of anything. 

My friend of Facebook announced her parents 40th anniversary was today. I think that's a beautiful thing but today I also feel cheated out of my chance. We were married over a decade. I thought I knew how the rest of my life would play out. I was 23 when we were married. Barely a woman. Now, I sit here a widow at 35. I'm stuck between believing it was the best time of my life and wondering if it was a decade of waste. I most likely will never get the chance to be one of the lucky wives who celebrate a 30th or 40th wedding anniversary. 

She talked about how lucky she was to witness such love and commitment and what great role models they are for her even now in adulthood. It makes me wonder what legacy am I leaving for my kids? Can I still teach them that commitment is good? That loving your partner for life through all the ups and downs is what it all about? I couldn't give that to them or to myself. 

I went through years of misery and torture because he was my husband, he was sick and I made a vow. Now he's gone. Why did I put myself and the kids through all of that? Why couldn't he keep his end of the deal? Why was his pain more important than ours? How do I ever allow anyone to get as close to me as him? I will fear at some point this could happen again. 

I just feel so abandoned today. I have moved on in life. I have a boyfriend who adores me but it does not change what happened to us. It doesn't make me forget. I'm just so emotionally exhausted today. It's not even 6pm and I can hardly keep my eyes open. I'm a single mom now so I still have to feed and bathe my kids. I have no other options. Not even on a day like this when I'm feeling so empty. 

Kids don't know or care. As I type I can hear them pillow fighting in the living room. I have to go break up the fight, make supper and keep moving. I was cheated out of the ability to say " I'm really not feeling great. Can you do the evening stuff tonight so I can rest? " cheated.

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