Little Girls And Bullying

I began noticing certain behavior with my daughter's group of friends while at school for various events this year. Behavior that I don't like at all. It's a budding evil really and it grows like ivy. Once it starts it spreads quickly. It's something that continues on through a lifetime. It's a behavior that can become such common place in the lives of girls that they accept it as "normal". They don't even notice it. It's bullying. It's isolating, it's elitism, it's hurtful to see.

Have you ever seen the movie Mean Girls? Well, my daughters best friend is the leader, Regina George. If she were a real person. *TO PROTECT HER IDENTITY FOR THIS BLOG ENTRY I WILL CALL HER REGINA* She dictates everything that happens in their group of friends. And Kira ADORES her. I'm happy she has a friend. I am hesitant to even publicly call attention to the situation because I don't want to make things more difficult for my poor child but if the bad behaviors aren't addressed now they could affect who the girls become as women as a whole, the entire group.

This is what I've noticed so far in the school year. My observations are sad and alarming. Mostly because I am referring to a group of second graders. Not middle schoolers or even high school. These are 7 year olds. The ring leader is one girl. She is ALWAYS at the center of any and all conflict between the girls. She tells them if they do not play the game she wants or do what she says she will not be their friend anymore...and it works. She get the girls against each other if one is not doing her bidding.

One day she came home and told me that Regina told her she wasn't allowed to play with Gretchen because she's pees her pants. Apparently Gretchen hadn't fell in line that day and she was ousted.

I attended a school even this past week. It was a monthly lunch with our kids. As the girls ran over to sit down next to us they sat in "formation" in this cult like hierarchy. And there was one little girl left standing. One that is usually part of the group. She just stood there unsure what she was supposed to do. The other girls ignored her, their backs turned. I noticed her face was blotchy and looked as if she'd already been crying. Uh-oh. I did what any mom would do. I quickly got up and gave her my seat. REGINA shot a look at her that was obvious. If looks could kill...

My mouth was hanging open. Was I really seeing this right?  After the girls disappeared into the sea of students heading off to class I asked my daughter if her friend had been crying earlier and she confirmed my fears. She said that she and Regina had a fight but her teacher "handled it". It was clearly not "handled". No fault on the part of the teacher, but this nonsense has GOT to be nipped in the bud before it becomes part of their personalities.

REGINA has told my kid she can ONLY be friends with her. REGINA can have other friends and MY KID can hang out with REGINA'S friends but they are not MY KID'S friends. Really? My daughter has no clue she's giving all this away when she comes home and asks me what this means and doesn't understand... but I do. Loud and clear.

I don't want to blame her parents. I don't know what's going on in their life. That's not my place. All I can really do is prepare  your kids for coping with such situations in life and ways to avoid these things. I can help build their confidence to not fall for such tactics. But I can't stop the REGINAS my kids will run into throughout their lives. If I could I would. I have opinions about how a person becomes that way, about the psychology of an emotional terrorist. THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I CALL THIS TYPE OF BULLY. They are nothing less than emotional terrorist. They are thinly veiled as trusting and loving friends. But really they are insecure, afraid jerks with no self esteem what so ever.

I've told my daughter that friendship isn't conditional. You DON'T have to do what she tells you to. If you don't want to, just don't. Real friends don't "de-friend" you for not agreeing with them. Real friends respect each other. If someone is willing to behave this way they are not your friend. I've told her she will meet people like that and as long as she holds her head high and is proud to be an individual, friends will always be around. Real ones. As long as she is never afraid to be different, say no, move to her own beat she won't have to worry about being ousted. If she doesn't rely on being a part of the pack to define her identity than she never has to worry about her status in said pack.

After saying all that to her I know it's not going to be as easy as it looks. She's a child. A child's job is to learn and experience. Nothing I tell her will be as lasting as experiencing it in her own life. I've touched on the subject and now we wait to see if it resonated with her or for the situation to happen personally.

If I could gather all these girls together and talk to them I would. If I could speak to their parents in a way that could get through to them I'd do it in a heartbeat. MOST PARENTS HEAR EVERYTHING AS AN ACCUSATION. A PERSONAL INSULT TO THEIR PARENTING. NOT MY CHILD! I don't know why we are like this  it's just a fact.

I would tell those parents I'm not saying their kid is behaving this way but it's something I've noticed it at the grade level and it's something they need to look out for, to help their kids cope with and be aware of. Be proactive. Kids don't always share what's going on at school. Luckily mine did this time, and I saw it for myself. It's happening. Don't wait until it's too late.

Elementary school is supposed to be an amazing experience. Life gets more complicated the more you live. Let them have the simplicity of childhood. Ask your kids about their day, their friends. You might be surprised by what you hear.