Losing him wasn't the only tragedy

I have spoke a lot lately about the loss of my husband and the life we led up to his suicide. And some may think, why stay? Why not leave. The answer is pretty simple. Living with a sick person is all I have ever known. It's also not the worst situation I have even been in. That's sad but true. Our bills were paid. We had food and a roof over our head. I appreciated this because I have lived without. And, with mental illness thrown in the mix.

I was raised by addicts. Substance abusers. One of the reasons I choose to marry a Marine and move far away is that I needed to get as far apart as possible from the life I once knew. Growing into an adult didn't free me from the dangerous cycle of substance abuse and mental illness. I needed to teach myself how to be a woman. I had to learn to cope with life, not abusing drugs and alcohol. 

By the time I left Missouri, my sister had been in rehab twice and both my brothers were full blown alcoholics. There was not one sober person in my family. I had to leave or I would be subject to the same fate. I was drinking a few times a week. Caring less about responsibility. Divorced at age 23. I was slipping into the same abyss. 

People ask me all the time why I don't go partying. Well, first I'm 35 and have three kids. That ship has pretty much sailed but it's also because when I drink I am afraid I will like it too much and want to stay there. I don't like not having control of my own body and I'm not a fan of drinking around my kids. I can have a few beers but no one else around me can manage to stop at "relaxed". They drink until they are blackout drunk. 

When Mike said he wanted to come back to Missouri after he retired my first thought was "Omg! I don't want to subject my kids to my families lifestyle." And panic ensued. It's not that I don't love my family. I do. It's that they are all sick and they create an environment that enables the sickness. I don't want my kids to fall into that. I want more for them than I had. So much more.

I grew up not knowing if my parents would be home when I got off the bus or if they'd packed up our entire place while at school so we could move to yet another city to out run drug dealers or bill collectors. I grew up in a house that was communal. Uncles, friends, cousins, passed out all over the floor when I woke. My mom was in rehab twice. I was molested by family members both times. I never want my kids to experience what I had to live through. 

Right before Mike was to retire I learned my mom and my step brother were actually dating. What? How do I explain that to my kids? Well, he's my brother but he's also Nana's boyfriend.... I was scared to death. But, I made peace with it because I knew they had a drug free foundation and Mike would be there to run home to when things got out of hand with my family.

So I thought. But, now...I'm here stranded with my kids. Abandoned by him. Missouri isn't my home. Missouri is a reminder of years of abuse, and then the loss of my husband. In the very garage I sit right now. The choice to leave the state is not a hard one. I love myself and my kids more than I care to learn to accept this lifestyle. We can be safe, and healthy and live a life free of substance, emotional, verbal, physical abuse. We can live free. The beautiful life Mike requested I give us right before he took his life. 

Our beautiful life awaits us. It's up to me to provide it. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

False Domestic Violence Allegations and Personality Disorders

Domestic violence is a major issue in our society today, laws have been made to protect those suffering from abuse in the home. It took many years for such laws to be enacted. At one time it was perfectly acceptable for a man to hit, berate and sexually assault his wife. It was considered a valid exercise of authority from husband to wife. We have come a long way. The authorities now recognize this as what it is, abuse.  Because new laws exist women can live freely without fear of violence. Many women are alive today because the court's protection. With that being said, it is also now being used as a tool by women to exercise power over men in their lives. It's a sad and disgusting result of the very laws to protect us. False allegations of domestic violence are at the very least an insult to women who are abused. It makes efforts to secure protection even harder for women who actually need it.  If you are going through a divorce or custody issue and file false charges to gain
Read more

Service Member Suicide

It was recently announced that we have lost more service members this year to suicide than in combat. The statement is shocking, considering we are occupying Afghanistan and other war torn areas of the world and everyday another name is added to the list. People don't want to talk about the suicides. Its as if its a shameful secret swept under the rug. According to the Army soldier suicide is up 80%. EIGHTY PERCENT. We are doing something wrong. It seems that those who truly need help are afraid to talk and those who don't want to quickly blame PTSD for any shortcoming they have in life after war. On the news, if someone robs a bank the first thing they report is he was a combat veteran in one of the branches of the US Military. They skirt around PTSD as a motive. PTSD is real and its not an excuse to toss around lightly. I know why our service members don't reach out. I have been personally effected by it and now since my husband is weeks from retirement and 20 years of
Read more

The Gentle Giant

Image
There are three men in my life that since childhood I have trusted explicitly. Jaime Valenzuela, Sean McGee, and Kenny Loveless. They have loved and protected me for 25 years and have always been there for me in thick and thin. The relationship was special with those three and even to this day I know for a fact that if I called them and told them I needed help their first reply would be "who's ass needs kicking?" It would NOT matter who, or if I were right or wrong they had my back. Today we lost one of those guys and in a way the world feels a bit less safe. We learned that Kenny passed away. He will be sorely missed by so many. We grew up together in a small farming community in Missouri, in the same neighborhood just one street away. There was a group of neighborhood kids who were together daily usually mobbed up in one or the other's front yard. We were as thick as thieves. For the most part even though half of us moved far away and we all grew up to have lives
Read more