I have PTSD

Witnessing my husband committing suicide was traumatic. An unfortunate result of the trauma was I developed PTSD. But...what exactly does that mean? 

I don't look any different. I am not a danger to myself or others. I am not crazy. Although, I thought I was at first. I even spent the night in a psychiatric hospital a month after my husband died. They took all the strings out of my pants, strip searched me, the whole nine. It was a terrifying. After all the questions and speaking with the doctors I found out that I'm not crazy. Just grieving with PTSD. I was in a traumatic situation and now my brain is different.

A balloon popping, a toy pop gun, a basketball hitting the door...it sends me into a panic. I know this will happen and yet, it gets me every time. After the initial startle I then am forced to relive WHY the loud noise scared me. The sound of the gunshot that night will never leave my head. 

Any time we are in a crowd and I feel like the safety of myself or my children is in question I begin to sweat. My heart races and I want to run. I do my best to push through it because I will not let my children suffer one more day because of the condition.i hope that instead of avoiding the situations with time I will relax a bit and feel better. Avoidance seems counter-productive.

I am less patient than I was before. I don't like when the kids or dogs are loud. I don't like being in a McDonalds at dinner time or sitting in traffic. I start to itch. Don't ask me what that's about. I guess I am now allergic to stress.

I have terrible nightmares. I wake up sweating, crying and confused. I was on mini-press for about four months after diagnosed but I allowed myself to have the dreams, process what my brain was thinking and am now off the medication completely and rarely have the experience. When I do, it ruins my whole day.

I have this feeling of impending doom. I can't figure out what it is I'm scared will happen but I just KNOW something bad is about to occur. I know it's irrational. I realize how silly it sounds. I still can't shake the feeling.

I can't sleep at night or when I do fall asleep I completely crash and have a hard time waking up in the morning. I try to fall asleep but I just lie there thinking about what I could have done different the night Mike died. Again, I know in my rational brain I could have done nothing different. But still my mind wants to go there.

I have a very hard time making decisions now. I've become indecisive. I went from knowing exactly what I wanted in life to not know what I want for lunch. To the point I just won't eat. 

I take an antidepressant daily. And an anti anxiety medication. My ADD seems worse. Could be that I'm not getting sleep. The doctor recently suggested I try a sleep medication but I'm holding off. I don't need more medication. 

I am the mom to three kids. Now a single mom to them. I cannot afford to be unwell. I force myself daily to do better. I know it's not going to disappear so I work on it. Acknowledge it's there and see my therapist. I pay attention to what my body is telling me. I'm different now but I'm not crazy. I'm not going to rob a liquor store or hurt anyone. I'm not the same but I'm not insane.

I have PTSD. 


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