Happiest Memories

While I was at the seminar for TAPS this weekend I spoke to so many survivors. I made it a point to seek out those alone and get to know those stories. I can tell when someone is really struggling from across the room. I can literally feel their grief. I am drawn to them. I would sit down and ask about their loved one. Their name. Their relationship. Eventually I would ask them to tell me the funniest fondest memory. You could see the body language change. They were no longer focusing on death and loss but on life and living. I'm convinced this is vital to the grief process. To remember the person they lost...not how they died.

The fellow survivor would perk up and a smile would come across their faces as they strolled through their happy memories to find one that they most wanted to share. I gave them as much time they needed to pick. It wasn't so much about my desire to hear the best one but an opportunity for them to feel the joy of being in the presence of the loved one they so missed. I guess it's my way of tricking people into shifting their perspective for a brief moment. Just relishing in the sunlight of the past.

Sometimes we get stuck and focused on our pain and loss that we forget to remember the person we are grieving. Laughter is good to the soul. Peer support and a sense of humor are two things I feel we cannot do with out while getting through this time period.

...and it works. They laughed and shared their hilarious stories. They proudly honored their respective loved one through the giggles and beamed as they described those small but significant moments in time. It was as if they could feel them right there in our conversation. It was good. It feels right.

One of my most cherished memories was when we were stationed in Miramar. We lived in east county san diego. It was before the Littles were born. We were driving down the street on a typical day in his 3000gt when out if nowhere it started to hail. But the hail was super fine like ice shavings and it began to accumulate like snow on the ground. We grew up together in the same small town in Missouri and it had been years since we saw anything like snow. We were both so amazed.

He all the sudden pulled into an empty lot and said "come on!" We got out there and played in that "snow" until it did appeared. Just he and i. Just like when we were kids. Playful and carefree. So lost in the moment. Nothing else mattered.

We were both in shorts and tshirts. I was in flip flops. It was so exciting and random and unexpected...it didn't matter. We laughed and attempted to make snowballs. We let the freak hail/snow hit our faces as me looked up to the sky.

We were young and carefree back then. Before he got sick. Before he could no longer feel joy. Those are the moments I hold so close to my heart. Those are the ones that bring me back. How he died isn't nearly as important as how he lived. How happy he made me.

Grieving a loved one is so hard. So painful but if you take just a few minutes a day to focus on the beautiful memories you shared each day it makes it just a bit less difficult. I can't speak for everyone but it's worked for me. It can't hurt to give it a try.

Tell someone about your best memory. If you have no one around find me on facebook or through Taps. Tell me your favorite. Your funniest. Your silliest memory. Let's laugh together and honor them.