Regrets

After Mike died I did so many things out of character. I made a lot of mistakes and I regret most of them. I was so self destructive, self loathing and just broken. One of my regrets wasn't a something but a someone. Although I was in my deepest grief, I do take responsibility for my actions and behavior . 

Let me start off by saying I have truly loved only four men in my life: Mike, Jay, Tony, and Sean. Each one I loved as much as I could in that time period in my life. I married two of the four. I am what some would call a "serial-monogamist". I've never had casual sex, one night stands or been unfaithful. It's just not the way I'm made. I most certainly never slept with a married man...until Mike died.

Looking back I can very logically see why I entered into a relationship with a married man in the wake of Mike's suicide. I just wanted to feel wanted, to be desirable but not get my emotions involved. I felt abandoned. Who better to do that with than a married man? Stupid...but understandable. Now add to it that it wasn't a stranger but my first long term boyfriend from 20 years ago. The "bad boy". The one that all men since have despised. Both my former husband's absolutely hated Jay.  When my first husband and I called it quits he said I had his blessing to date anyone "But please don't let it be Jay. Anyone but him." I was dating Mike at 15 when he was shipped off to Japan. I dumped him back then for Jay. Naturally, he wanted to kill him with his hands. That sentiment never went away...

After Mike died, Jay and I met up for the first time in a very long period. He brought his son over to my house to pay his respects and check in on me. He spoke about his wife and his new life. They hadnot even   been married a year. It was a completely platonic visi at first. But, we were kidding ourselves if we had any intention of it stating that way. Our relationship was the kind your parents warned you about. The energy between us had always been explosive. We had a volatile connection. We were fighting or fucking. That's just the way we worked. Some people might call it "passionate". But basically we were a hot mess. I found myself flirting with him in that visit. He reciprocated. The intensity was still there. 20 years later we were still attracted. 

He invited me out to a bar the following night. My answer should have been absolutely not but of course I was thinking like a complete asshole. I agreed. He was married. That alone was enough to keep my distance. We were the worst couple ever the first time around. His drama and chaos was the last thing I needed in that moment. Self destruct mode on. 

We slept together that night. I shouldn't say slept. There was no sleeping or even a bed involved but you get the picture. He would continue to call and text every time he had a chance. His break at lunch he'd call daily. He'd skip work and stay in bed with me all day....not sleeping.

I'm not even sure why I continued with the affair. The sex was just ok and from either the grief or medication I'd been put on...I couldn't even fully enjoy it. 

He was comfortable though, like an old shirt. I knew him and he knew me. There was never any awkwardness....

Well, until he called me to tell me his wife was pregnant.  That's when I called it off. I got some perspective. A day late and a dollar short. What was I doing?!

We tried to just be friends and that's when things got weird. We eventually just stopped talking all together. 

Two years later I am still so regretful for the whole thing. I've been dreaming about it lately. It's obviously weighing heavily on my heart. I would and could never cross that line. Before that I could have sworn it would never happen because I have morals. You just don't mess with another woman's husband. It doesn't matter he and I had history. I screwed up. I so badly want to tell her I'm so sorry but I don't want to make things even worse but saying it two years after the fact. It's my burden. Another hard lesson learned.

I guess what I can share with you on that experience is: don't be surprised if you do out of character things after loss. It's screws up your head and you have to try hard to make good choices and healthy ways to grieve. Also, try not to be too hard on yourself for those epic fails. I'm working on that part myself.