My Advice To Newly Bereaved Military Widows

I spend a lot of time listening to newly bereaved military widows. I have learned many things in the combination of those chats and my personal experience. If I were asked if I had any advice I would share the few things I'm certain of grief early on.
First, There is this time period after a death in which everyone you've ever met comes out if the wood works to show support, lend a hand, make a meal etc. I don't know if it has an official term but I call it the "novelty phase". Most people are well meaning and some just like the attention they get by "being so supportive". It lasts about a month or two. You'll be overwhelmed with cards and flowers and calls. But one day it all disappears. To those newly grieving appreciate it on face value but don't be surprised when they fade off. It can really be disappointing but it's human nature. Have you ever seen chickens eat? You throw down grain and they are mob up peck! Peck! Peck!. You throw another handful out and they race madly to the next. peck! Peck! Peck! People are the chicken and you're the current handful of grain. It's weird but it works that way. I suggest getting a good peer support network in place before the next handful of grain is tossed out.

Second, and very upsetting is that everyone who reaches out to help you aren't really in it for YOU. I was luckily warned by a outreach rep in the beginning because I experienced it on several occasions myself. It's wrong and it sucks but it happens. Because we are the widows of war time service members some charitible organizations (I use that term lightly) will seek you out like a lawyer after an ambulance. If you're young and have cute kids they will have no problem exploiting your family and your story for funding. We are the complete "pathetic package" that really get sympathy from the public. Society wants to help military families. Those who have died by suicide after war leaving small kids and a wife behind are golden for their agenda.

Dont get me wrong not ALL are like this. Some amazing organizations exist only to help and continue helping in the long haul. The biggest is TAPS. It's for military survivors BY military survivors. The VFW, American Legion, Marine Corps League. Just a few outstanding groups who want to help. No strings attached.

I will give you an example that I experienced shortly after my husband's suicide. It was just before Christmas. My husband had been gone a little over a month and I finally got my kids back in a routine. They were back in school and really falling into our typical schedule. I was thankful. I was approached by a group who wanted to "adopt" us for Christmas. It sounded like a huge blessing and since Mike did not rate life insurance I was very concerned with how I would pull it off that year. We spoke back and forth. Everything was going great. But there was one stipulation...they had to film my kids for their program. They just wanted video of them playing outside etc. Not a huge deal HOWEVER...they would only do this between the hours of 8am- 3pm Monday thru Friday. That's when my kids were in school. They just got back into their routine and this is critical in kids with grief. The therapist specifically said so. I explained to them that it would be detrimental to the kids to pull them out and could set them back. I offered to arrange it on a weekend or evening and they declined. They said the deal was off of they could not video them and on their specific terms. I thanked them for the offer and told them another family would surely be grateful but my kids welfare comes first. That's my #1 priority. If they were truly interested in helping my kids it would be high on their list too.

My advice is never do anything you're not comfortable with. I'm sure my kids would have gotten amazing gifts but toys can't replace the important things in life. Especially in our situation. We have to try very hard to make sure our kids not only survive the loss of a parent but the thrive in life. That means making hard choices.

The last thing I would say is be patient with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you do. Two years on I still have moments when I randomly burst into tears at odd moments. Feel it. Let it pass. Fix your runny mascara and keep trucking. No one can tell you how to grieve. There is no wrong or right way to get through it and if you're not hurting yourself or others, anyone who disagrees can suck it.  You're not alone in this.