Family Conflict After Suicide

Death has a way of showing the best and the worst in people. In a natural death the #1 cause of family conflict is money. Suicide...that's a whole different ball game. In my experience the source of conflict in these sad stories is misdirected anger, guilt and denial. It has a way of making a mountain out of a molehill and snowballing out of control. The conflicts that come up can tear a family apart and ruin relationships for life. 55% of suicide surviving families report major conflict within the family.

I've blogged about my personal experience and know all too well how the blaming and shaming that happens is like salt in an already laid open wound. My inlaws could not accept their son took his own life. I was blamed in every way possible. Some things said:

"He died on your watch. It's your fault. You'll burn in hell."

"He knew it is a sin to commit suicide. He would NEVER do THAT"

"If you were more of an asset to your husband, he'd still be here"

"He wasn't depressed. He was just laughing and smiling the week before."

"You should have seen this coming and got him help sooner."

" I think she killed him herself."

"Why didn't you stop him?"

I could go on. 

Somethings can never be unsaid. Some words can never be forgotten. Grieving such traumatic loss is hard on its own, but add in this type of blame and shame from those who should support you the most is absolutely devastating. It can literally hault healing. It can be a huge road block. It goes both ways too. From my experience it seems to be females who have the most conflict after suicide. Wives against moms and sisters. Each other blaming the other when in reality it's neither. In most cases it's mental Illness. Nothing anyone said or did caused it but we are so filled with guilt and shame after suicide we project all our own feelings onto people who are closest to us and need us so much. Things get so out of control at times it's not even about the death of a loved one but a pissing match. You start looking for reasons to hate each other. It's SOOO much easier to blame someone than to stare down the reality of what's happened. 

The good news is research shows that families who are educated about the possibility of such conflicts arising are significantly less likely to experience them. After having my own personal experience and speaking to other survivors I began to realize how common the problem was and started to see that we need something in place to help avoid, lessen or mend these conflicts. Since I throughly enjoyed the TAPS seminar and felt it was family, I decided to approach the director of the Suicide Loss team with a proposal to design a class/session on the topic for next years annual seminar. I gave her my ideas and figured what's the worst that could happen? She could say no....

But she didn't. She loved it. She said she didn't just want to develop this session but wanted me on the team to do it. I was shocked. I had no intention of being front and center only suggesting a topic I felt should be covered. I am super stoked to help families personally. And...I heard next years seminar is in Florida. That's not terrible. Double bonus.  

So, I'm off on another exciting path in this crazy life of mine. I really do think this is what I'm meant to do. God works in mysterious ways. I'm thankful that I can use my own hurdles in life to help others. Nothing was in vain. It's all beneficial because I have a forum to reach out to assist other survivors. Tragedy into triumph.