The Meeting

Next week I am off to the Annual TAPS suicide Survivor seminar. I just learned today that several members from the VA and DOD will be present and meeting with the head of TAPS and survivors to gain more insight to the causes and effect of veteran suicide. I was told that I may be able to share my thoughts and also ask questions personally. I'm excited and nervous. I want to give them all that I've learned from survivors and military families at risk. 

Some of my questions are about the suicide reports published by the DOD. They cite several commonalities in suicides they've studied. Some of them really bother me. Most of them are fairly generic and barely scratch the surface of the real core issues facing suicidal service members.

The first one I can recall off the top of my head is marital issues. All marriages, civilian and military go through periods of strife. The difference I believe is coping skills. If you were to ask 100 couples in which one spouse was dealing with severe depression how their marriage was going they would most assuredly say they were struggling. So marital issues isn't really the cause but just a symptom of a larger issue...mental illness. We can surmise it is infact this cause because like I said...all marriages have their struggles but people with coping skills and a healthy outlook do not take their lives. 

In my opinion saying on the record, officially, to the widows of those vets that marital strife is a cause of their spouses suicide is irresponsible and just plain mean. It's hard enough grieving their loss. It adds insult to injury and causes them to think "if I had just tried harder he/she would still be here." It is not the fault of the spouse and they are in no way responsible for their suicide. Incinuating this only deters their recovery from trauma. 

The reports don't go past the obvious. It's like putting a bandaid on a broken arm. It will not help heal. It wasted a bandaid.

Substance abuse is another one. Those who really understand addiction know that although it becomes a problem of its own, substance abuse is a symptom of earlier trauma or mental illness. Self medicating is most common. Again I will bring up proper coping skills.

Financial issues? Have you ever saw someone dealing with severe chronic depression, marital issues and substance abuse sit down and balance their checkbook? Probably not. 

In most of the reports the writer reiterates that those who commit suicide did not serve in a war zone. This really bothers me. It's as if those doing the study have absolutely no knowledge of PTSD what soever. You don't have to serve in Afganistan on the front line to develop the condition. I'm not sure if this is written in the report to cover "liability" or they truly don't have knowledge of the illness. If the heads of the DOD don't understand it then how in the world are we supposed to educate our enlisted? There are many ways to develop PTSD. Delayed onset PTSD can happen at any point in our lives and have absolutely nothing to do with war. The sheer constant stress the lifestyle can put on a servicemember is enough to trigger something inside them that began at age five or six. It doesn't make the government responsible and it's important to educate them on.

Also, there are just as many people in the military suffering with undiagnosed mental illness as civilians. Joking the U.S. Military doesn't magically erase any mental condition. It's not that the service member is lying either...most of the time they don't even know. If they don't know how can they inform their recruiter? There is no fault here. It's biology. 

It doesn't have to be a case of blame. I would like to see real, honest, factual information regarding the life and death of those men and women so that we may address the actual issues and work on prevention and treatment. I feel like that hasn't been the goal thus far.

I want to know about childhood trauma. I want widows interviews as to their spouses behavior in the time leading up to the suicide. I want to know family history of mental illness. Have any other members of the family completed or attempted suicide. Do their parents grandparents or siblings have substance abuse issues?

All the info put out is obvious. In my opinion unhelpful. Maybe the DOD feels like it's inappropriate to ask widows and widowers some hard questions? I have personally spoke to about 100 family members about the topic and they welcome any dialog with the government in order to help prevent future suicide. I am going to compile some first hand data to bring with me so the group has tangible information to support the importance of what I propose. 

Assessing blame is not important here...saving lives is the real goal. It is natural for those grieving to need to blame someone or something and you will see it daily. They are entitled to grieve in whatever way helps them. Give them time. After the blame and anger subsides they will want answers. We can help give them peace and prevent future death in the RIGHT questions being answered and honesty on all accounts. 

I have no intention of filing a legal suit with the government over my husband's death. He pulled the trigger, no one else. It was not my fault, the Marine Corps error or the VA. But I do think sharing his story can aid in the saving of other vets that come after him.

I sincerely believe if we get real with one another and really investigate we can make a change. No one should be a widow at 34. No child should lose their father before losing their first tooth. I am committed to preventing more families from suffering such loss.