You're so Brave

Today the journalist who interviewed me told me I was brave. It's not the first time I've been told this and it catches me off guard every time.

...I'm not brave. I'm scared all the time. I didn't choose this life. I did the best I could with what I was given. Brave are the men and women who serve our country knowing the risks and consequences of war. Brave is the firefighter who runs into a burning building to save a family. I didn't decide to climb a brutal mountain knowing I may succumb to the elements. My husband died. Too early. I became the only parent to my kids and I did what I had to do to ensure their lives are safe and secure. I wasn't given the opportunity to weigh pros and cons. I didn't see it coming.

While I am flattered to be called brave, I don't feel comfortable in that role. I got through it. What happened just "is". If I had a choice he would still be here and would have been in treatment. Bravery to me is a conscious choice to do something extraordinary. I'm just a mom. A regular gal who does the same thing I've always done but with out him here. I am not unique or special. There are so many like me. Too many. We just survive. Hopefully not just survive but thrive in the wake of great loss.

I've dedicated my life to my family.  Once you're part of the military family you remain forever. I'm simply taking care of my family. So...I don't think of myself as brave. I'm just a mom and a military wife. It's just what we do.

I think it's brave for a woman involved in domestic violence to finally take a stand and leave. Or for a girl to speak up when she's been sexually assaulted. These are hard choices. They are choices. I had none. I wake up every day and try my best. I woke up today and with any luck again tomorrow and many days after. I'm not brave.  I just "am".

There were many days in the beginning when just getting out of bed seemed like climbing a mountain but that's how grief works. It's human nature. Our body reacts, not just our mind. Loss is always traumatic.

It's like the directions on a shampoo bottle "shampoo rinse repeat". I keep getting out of bed and handling my life. Just like everyone else. Eventually, with time, support, and therapy life gets easier to manage.

I'm not brave.

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