HINDSIGHT

Sometimes looking back at old photos I can see the distance that grew between Michael and us. What once was a "we" slowly became a "him" and "us". It was like a chunk of earth broke off from the mainland and slowly floated adrift. He was still around. We could see him but he became a separate intity.

I am thankful the kids have so many photos of the family because losing a loved one so young has a way of stealing your memories over time. There is a documented time line of their life with their dad to look at, to remember and to hold on to forever.

They can't or won't ever see what I see in the same photo we share. Where they see us all smiling happily as if we have no care in the world...I remember his behavior that day. I remember it being a chore to convince him to join us. I remember having to literally force him to have a good time with the family who loved him. I remember slowly exhausting myself to the point we just stopped asking him. We let him float further away. Partly for self preservation and because having to force someone to love you, to want to be around you is painful. The rejection we all felt was incredibly deflating. How could he not want to even be in the same room with us? What did we do wrong?

I thought all the years prior to his death that I was doing what was best for my kids by keeping the family together. I had divorced once already over a decade prior and saw how it negatively affected my oldest son. I vowed to do whatever I could to maintain stability in the lives of my kids. All three. I would sacrifice what ever so they could have a mom and a dad and a normal life. God, I was in as much denial as he was. What a tool I was. I wasn't protecting them. I was exposing them to emotional abuse long before he died. It wasn't until he began physically abusing that I drew the line. How ridiculous of me to allow that?! And still I loved him. I loved him so much despite how much I resented him for not getting help. For not loving us the way we did him. I knew if I just held on he would come back to us. But I drew that line when I thought my kids could be physically hurt.  Hindsight tells me we should have been gone long before. Physical wounds heal. Emotional damage can last a life time. I don't even know what damage my kids have yet. I won't know until it rears it's head. But I do know that it will be ME who helps them in their journey.

I realize now that I picked him over them in staying. At the time I was so convinced it was best for the whole family. I was wrong and I will be sorry about that for the rest of my life.

It wasn't until the night he died that I realized the denial we were both in and the danger he'd placed us all. It wasn't until the moment I saw that gun and I picked protecting my kids over him. In that moment I no longer cared what he did with that gun as long as it wasn't used on my babies. I pushed him out of the house and covered that door with my body. I didn't protect them before but I was willing to die for them just then. The man on the other side of that door was not my husband. He was a stranger and I had no idea what he was capable of, I wasn't willing to find out at my families expense.

Looking back I am thankful for two things: 1) I am thankful my oldest son was staying at his dad's that night because he would have absolutely tried to protect me and I could not live with myself if he died too. 2) I am glad my instinct was to not wrestle the gun from him. It wasn't until that pivotal moment I realized my job in this world was to protect my kids. It will never EVER take a backseat to any one or any thing.

Hindsight is certainly 20/20. I could have done so many things differently and I share my experiences and lessons so that other moms who are there now know they have options and the grave outcome that could result in their action or inaction. I won't tell you what to do because I probably wouldn't have listened back then either. I will be honest with my feelings now. With myself and everyone else.

They say a picture tells a thousand words. I know that to be true. I also know I myself die a thousand deaths when looking at the photos from our past. They are a blessing and a curse. I now so distinctly see the difference. I don't wish to turn back time but I learned so much. Lessons you can't ignore. Some that I hope in some way help you too.

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