The Great Flood

Mikes death is akin to a great flood that rushed in without warning, ripping through our life, destroying everything it touched and when the waters receded the only thing left miraculously was my children and myself. Their father was pulled into the current, our identity, our home, our hopes and dream, our security...gone. We were left standing waist high in mud and muck dazed and confused as we looked around to find we didn't even recognize what we once called home.

Once the shock wore off we were supposed to rebuild. HIS DEATH RIPPED AWAY EVERY ASPECT OF OUR REALITY.

Where would I even start? I decided my first priority was the health and well being of my children. I put all my energy into making sure they didn't just survive the great devastation but to thrive in the wake. For the past two years I focused primarily to our healing and recovery. I am fairly certain my children will succeed in life in spite of it all. They are so strong. I put everything else on the back burner.

Well everything else but fighting the VA to rule his death service connected. I am happy to say I accomplished this too.

When your spouse dies it's not just rebuilding emotionally. In my case now, it's also financially.

He was not awarded life insurance. He killed himself 15 days past the 120 day cut off. I was fired from my job a month after his death. I developed PTSD from witnessing his suicide. MY BOSS SAID MY CONDITION WAS NO CONDUCIVE TO THE HIGH STRESS POSITION I HELD. We were not awarded DIC at that time. It was like I said, two years fighting to have his death rated. Needless to say my credit rating in that time took a beating. I did what I had to do to survive. To make sure my kids had a roof over their head and food in their bellies. That was my number one priority. My kids. I was their sole provider and some credit score seemed so far down on my list of priorities....

But now, the fog has lifted. I have accepted what is now our reality and part of rebuilding is also working on my credit worthiness. I guess the truth is creditors don't really care what the circumstances of your inability to pay only that you didn't and therefore you must be penalized. It's not their job to listen to your life story. Their job is to make money. I want to be considered worthy again. So I am trying my best. Trying to dig out of the muck.

Currently I can not qualify for a car loan or get a credit card but I am working on it. I learned after Mike died that you can't do anything without good credit. So rebuilding is slightly more complicated but I am in it for the long haul. I am dedicated to leading my kids through example. I will work hard. I will show them you CAN  overcome great loss and total devastation.

Someday I will buy a new car and it will be the sweetest feeling because I did it alone. Every milestone since his death has been so celebrated. I once thought I'd never make it alone. I let fear rule my mind. Now, I know I'm strong. It will take time. It will take sacrifice but I will fix this issue too. I take responsibility for my decisions. No one did this to me. I did not choose Mikes death, that part was out of my control. I can only control what is right here and right now.

No one can do this for me. I want to be able to say I pulled myself back up in all aspects after he passed away. Life does go on and I promised him I would make it beautiful for our kids. I want to give them all they deserve in life and to do that I have to master my financial house. If I say I will do something you can bet I won't stop until it's done. I can't wait to post an update in the future. It's definitely a goal of mine. I will succeed.