Fantasy Vs. Reality

When people die, friends and family have a way of changing history. They start to fantasize about the person they lost. They build that person up. Putting them on a pedestal. I think it's most likely a coping mechanism. Since Mike passed away I have kept my perspective and a true account of our life prior to him dying. Some have accused me of "talking Ill of the dead." But I loved him at his worst so when I speak of it, it's not "speaking ill" it's just reality.

You might find it hard to read but when people aren't honest, especially in deaths like his. When they sweep the truth under the rug...it stunts true healing and helps no one. How can others be honest with themselves if I cant? I can't help anyone by sugar coating.

I find myself sometimes wondering what life would have been like had he gotten treatment. But that's not reality. He refused. He denied. He would have likely never sought help.

I know the reality of what our life would be had he stayed alive. We would have ended up divorced. I would have had to file a protection order for my children. They would have blamed me for the divorce and for keeping them away from their dad. They would grow to resent me. I would somehow become to be blamed for his rage. Wed all lose sight of his real problem and he would transfer all his anger to me. It would reappear in the form of me being a bitch for ruining his life...when we both know he was fighting this monster for a decade before he even retired. He would transfer all that rage to me.

That's reality.

Had he not taken his life, our home would not have been like a hallmark card. His illness would progress. I would have no choice but to protect my kids. Love does not fix everything. I would resent him for not loving us enough to get help so he could spend time with his kids. I would come off as the bad guy. To my kids and my husband when what I was doing was protecting them.

I have no doubt it would have only gotten uglier. I didn't want him to die. I didn't want him to be sick. However  the more clarity I gain the further I become from his passing, the more I am certain life would have been much harder with him still sick and still here. Some people may be shocked by that revelation. I would reply they didn't know how difficult life. Every moment of every day was then.

Families of service member suffering with severe untreated PTSD suffer the same hell as the service member. If you can honestly say yours was just fine before taking their life and it came out of nowhere I would venture to guess you didn't know them very well or you're being dishonest.

People also have a tendency to need to blame something or someone when a loved one takes their own life. No blame is needed. There is a huge difference between blame and responsibility. Mike was responsible for his death but there is nothing to blame. He's not to blame. He was not thinking rationally. His parents blame me but they didn't even know how sick he was and that was Mikes choice.

I'm urging parents of those who ended their lives and blame the spouse or someone else to really consider what I'm saying. No one, no thing is responsible. If you're holding onto this blame it's only going to stunt your recovery. If you aren't focusing primarily on healing from the loss you are hurting yourself. And in that blame, in that fantasy you're hurting the person you blame too. It's so much easier to blame someone else than to accept your loved one completed suicide. Maybe you think your child, brother, sister etc would never do something like this. That's a fantasy because the reality is they did.

It does not tarnish their memory to accept what is. There are many memories to hold on to. You can hold on to the memories of his life and still accept his death. His death didn't define him. But his or her death did come.

I can only speak for myself, life was not an easy one leading up to Mikes death and I will speak of it to help others. Connecting the behavior and death is crucial to identifying those at risk. We can help prevent others from following him. This is my choice, my right as his wife. Keeping quiet means many could die. That's reality. The fantasy is families ignoring their illness. Hoping it will just disappear. The reality is...it wont.

We can't change our history. We can speak up about our experiences to spread awareness and save lives. Spare families from the pain. Don't lie to yourself or others. The didn't suffer for nothing. We didn't suffer in vain. We can make a choice to be part of a solution. As hard as it may be to say the words, but we must let go of the fantasy to do so.

There is no shame. No blame. Only awareness. This is our reality.