I'm not afraid.

My entire life I have been fearful of dying. The first funeral I attended was when I was 6. Both my maternal and paternal grandparents have passed, three of my moms brothers, my favorite aunt, cousins, friends and my husband. I've experienced a lot of loss in my lifetime. It made me constantly aware of my mortality.

I remember distinctly telling my husband  he would outlive me as the people in my family have a short life expectancy. I apologized for knowing one day he would have to go on alone. I had absolutely no way of knowing years later he would die and the opposite would occur.

I'm not afraid of dying. I'm not afraid of what happens after. I am absolutely terrified of leaving my children alone in the world with no mom or dad to guide, love, support and comfort them. 

TJ, luckily has Tony and Kelly should anything ever happen to me. I am thankful for that much. But Mason and Kira, so small and helpless...I'm all they have. I know my sister would take them in without a second thought but to think they already have to grow up without their father is a pain that cuts so deep. To lose both would be such an injustice. I don't want that to happen. Not until they can say "she lived a long full life, was a great mother and grandmother..." 

I don't know when my time will come. I'm not afraid to go. I just pray that it's no time soon and I can do the job I was put on this Earth to do and that is to be their mama. 

One day I have to explain the death of their father. There will be questions. I will do my best to answer them. Although I dread having to tell them the truth, I want to be the one who holds them when they learn. 

I hope to hold my grandchildren one day. 

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