Not Service Related.

I was mad at Mike yesterday. Luckily that past. Today I am ready to confront another issue I have a problem with since his death. Mike committed suicide 138 days after retirement. It was 18 days past the 120 day life insurance eligibility. It sucked but I accepted it. I will provide for my kids regardless. The part that really REALLY bothers me is his death was ruled NOT SERVICE RELATED. He was retired for just at four months after serving 20 years in the Marines. What do you think could possibly happen in four months after retiring that could lead to suicide and be NOT related to his service? After 20 EVERYTHING is related to the time spent there. 

The first thing Mike and I did when we moved here was hung the Marine Corps flag in our front yard. He loved the Marine Corps more than he loved himself. He didn't seek help for fear of shaming his beloved Corps. Every thought in his head somehow related to the Marines. He died after four months retired. He lived in Iraq for 36 months during our marriage. When he died our daughter was 6. 36 months is three years. He got to be with our child for only half of her short life. He missed many birthdays and Christmas, anniversaries and his favorite holiday Halloween. 

We never complained because the Marine Corps was good to us. We loved our life. We knew things change daily and we were prepared for disappointment....but I never thought in a million years I would be as disappointed as I am now. He was sick. I begged for help in 2005. He was punished instead. And 8 years later when the pain got too much for him to bear...it's not service related. Yes, yes it is.

He didn't decide to kill himself because he was so excited at finally being able to grow a beard or leave the house without a belt....he finally had a freedom he had not known his entire adult life. He managed to keep it together while serving. He did what he was told. No one gave him permission to do it while enlisted. He followed directions. He did his job. Day after day. When the stress got too much he thought he was having a heart attack at Camp Pendleton. Testing showed a healthy heart. His blood pressure was astronomical. They gave him pills. No one ever asked him about stress, or depression when we all know they are related. He wasn't asked so he didn't share. He wouldn't share his "weakness" after all. 

...and yet his death was not service related. I think you made him a little too "strong". Had he been allowed to admit he needed help he may still be here. If that's not service related I'm not sure what is. 

This has nothing to do with money, politics, world change...it has everything to do with taking care of your own. Those who gave their whole lives for you. He didn't get "crazy" in four months. Take responsibility and give him those three words...Service Related Suicide. I have to live with what's done regardless.

 Don't take away his honor in death too.

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