He was just sick.
For some reason, I have no clue why...today couples celebrating anniversaries just pissed me off. I was scrolling through Facebook and had the urge to punch happy couples celebrating their wedding anniversaries. For no real reason. Just because I can't. I'm irritated today.
I tried for three months shy of 11 years to keep my marriage. It's was at sometimes hell, but it was mine. I gave him 110% even when he didn't deserve it. There were so many times in our marriage when I wanted to quit. Throw in the towel, just admit I couldn't take it a minute longer...
But I fucking didn't. He was mean, he was abusive, he was loud and he was scary...but he was sick. Everyone knew but him. I felt leaving him while sick was no different than leaving a dying cancer patient. He was fading for years. The man he became was not the man I married. I put up with all his moods, his constantly making us feel inadequate and stupid...and he leaves me...like this?
I will never understand what went on in his head. He never shared. To be honest the last month of his life we said maybe 20 words to each other. I was just exhausted, with him, with work, with the kids. I stopped asking how I could make it better. I knew I had done all I could. He was never going to get better because in his opinion it was everyone else's fault.
I was so angry with him leading up to his death. He did nothing but drink. I worked 12 hour days and would come home to him already drinking with the neighbor. I was so pissed that most nights I said nothing because he would just tell me I was totally uncool for not "partying" with him. Sorry pal...I gotta get up when you stumble ass in each morning.
He got to where he even ate dinner in the garage alone. He couldn't be bothered with his family. Candy crush was his latest love. He would sit here in this god damned garage blaring oldies music all day and night. He only came inside to sleep. This is all part of his illness. I felt trapped. I was about to break myself after years of trying to predict what would and wouldn't set him off and reacting accordingly.
...and...then he just disappeared...
I shouldn't say he disappeared. He definitely left a mark. My God...we were all home. Feet away from him when he took his life. How dare he? Again...I remember how sick he was and can't stay mad. It's this constant struggle in my head. It will never go away.
Today the wind was really bad and something flew into the garage door making a loud crash. I screamed out. My startle reflex is terrible nearly 6 months later. I can hear that one gunshot in all loud noises. It instantly reminds me what he did that night. I can never forget it. Will I hear him taking his life in all noises for the rest of my life? How do you turn that off?
I'm resentful. I admit it. I put up with so much shit. I took care of him, covered for him, LIED for him and he left me with three kids, no identity and his brains on my wall. It's not fair. I was a good fucking wife. I deserve to be celebrating anniversaries. Why were we not good enough? What could I have done differently? It wasn't me. I know this. My rational brain can see that clearly but my heart will be fragile forever.
I cannot change what's done. I couldn't make him stay. I couldn't hog tie a six foot four 200 lb man and make him get help. Why didn't he try for us? For our kids? Why did he leave us? I'm sick of explaining he was sick. Fuck it, tonight I will just let myself be pissed.
He left me with all these messes to clean up. I have to explain to the kids what happened to daddy. Eventually saying he was sick and died won't cut it. I am going to live with his suicide for the rest of our lives. Sickness or not. It doesn't make it any easier. The kids were brought into this world by two parents who love them. They might ask why he left us if he loved us. They will feel the pain I do. Abandoned. The thought brings me to my knees. I will put my sadness, pain and resentment aside and tell them he loved them with all his heart...he was...just sick.
Will they accept that? Do I even truly accept that? It's all we have.
I tried for three months shy of 11 years to keep my marriage. It's was at sometimes hell, but it was mine. I gave him 110% even when he didn't deserve it. There were so many times in our marriage when I wanted to quit. Throw in the towel, just admit I couldn't take it a minute longer...
But I fucking didn't. He was mean, he was abusive, he was loud and he was scary...but he was sick. Everyone knew but him. I felt leaving him while sick was no different than leaving a dying cancer patient. He was fading for years. The man he became was not the man I married. I put up with all his moods, his constantly making us feel inadequate and stupid...and he leaves me...like this?
I will never understand what went on in his head. He never shared. To be honest the last month of his life we said maybe 20 words to each other. I was just exhausted, with him, with work, with the kids. I stopped asking how I could make it better. I knew I had done all I could. He was never going to get better because in his opinion it was everyone else's fault.
I was so angry with him leading up to his death. He did nothing but drink. I worked 12 hour days and would come home to him already drinking with the neighbor. I was so pissed that most nights I said nothing because he would just tell me I was totally uncool for not "partying" with him. Sorry pal...I gotta get up when you stumble ass in each morning.
He got to where he even ate dinner in the garage alone. He couldn't be bothered with his family. Candy crush was his latest love. He would sit here in this god damned garage blaring oldies music all day and night. He only came inside to sleep. This is all part of his illness. I felt trapped. I was about to break myself after years of trying to predict what would and wouldn't set him off and reacting accordingly.
...and...then he just disappeared...
I shouldn't say he disappeared. He definitely left a mark. My God...we were all home. Feet away from him when he took his life. How dare he? Again...I remember how sick he was and can't stay mad. It's this constant struggle in my head. It will never go away.
Today the wind was really bad and something flew into the garage door making a loud crash. I screamed out. My startle reflex is terrible nearly 6 months later. I can hear that one gunshot in all loud noises. It instantly reminds me what he did that night. I can never forget it. Will I hear him taking his life in all noises for the rest of my life? How do you turn that off?
I'm resentful. I admit it. I put up with so much shit. I took care of him, covered for him, LIED for him and he left me with three kids, no identity and his brains on my wall. It's not fair. I was a good fucking wife. I deserve to be celebrating anniversaries. Why were we not good enough? What could I have done differently? It wasn't me. I know this. My rational brain can see that clearly but my heart will be fragile forever.
I cannot change what's done. I couldn't make him stay. I couldn't hog tie a six foot four 200 lb man and make him get help. Why didn't he try for us? For our kids? Why did he leave us? I'm sick of explaining he was sick. Fuck it, tonight I will just let myself be pissed.
He left me with all these messes to clean up. I have to explain to the kids what happened to daddy. Eventually saying he was sick and died won't cut it. I am going to live with his suicide for the rest of our lives. Sickness or not. It doesn't make it any easier. The kids were brought into this world by two parents who love them. They might ask why he left us if he loved us. They will feel the pain I do. Abandoned. The thought brings me to my knees. I will put my sadness, pain and resentment aside and tell them he loved them with all his heart...he was...just sick.
Will they accept that? Do I even truly accept that? It's all we have.
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