I choose peace.

Today while I was in Michaels Crafts, I passed the floral department and they had memorial flower arrangements displayed and for whatever reason I just broke down....like a blubbering idiot. My anxiety skyrocketed and I began to hyperventilate. I stood there staring at them and made a choice. I decided to get the supplies to make Mike a St. Patricks day arrangement and I will take it to him Saturday. I will finally take the kids to visit his headstone at Jefferson Barracks.

I was in his parents neighborhood today and stopped off to see them. I got to the door took a deep breath and knocked. I invited them to come along to take the kids to the cemetery. It will be good for all of us. I'm really trying my best to be kind and keep some sort of relationship with them. They agreed to attend without hesitation. Whew...

I also told them about our move in June and invited them to Kira's birthday party next weekend. They invited me in and we talked for about 45 minutes. We cried together. His mom said she cannot promise that she won't break down at the cemetery and I told her she absolutely could. The kids need to know that his loss hurts us all. We share in the pain of losing him. We need each other. We all cry. We all miss him. 

I told them they are welcome to have the kids any time. She mentioned she was very guarded in trying not to speak about their daddy last time they were together. I assured her to please talk about him. Please keep his memory alive. We talk about him everyday. I asked her to share funny stories about his youth and it's absolutely ok to say she misses him just as much as they do. He's gone but he's not forgotten. 

I walked out of their house feeling lighter. I could keep avoiding them but they are our only other link to Mike. His father is his mirror image. It's sometimes hard to even look into his eyes because it's Michael staring back at me. 

I guess, as hard as it was for me to be the one to go to them it was worth it. Mike was worth it and so are our babies. I will keep trying to establish some sort of relationship. I don't care if they hate me, if they blame me for Mikes illness....just love his children. That's all I ask. That is all that matters to me.

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