Nearly a Year
August is next week. This summer went by fast. And...after August is September. Almost a year he's been gone.
I was digging through my "Mike" file the other day looking for my DFAS password and one of the documents caught my eye. It was the police report on the state of his body when police gained entrance to our garage. I dont know if I had ever read it before or if I had read it in the "foggy" months but two things really stuck with me.
The first one was the mention of his head being "unrecognizable". That I had to choke back a bit. My brain knows it would have to be but my heart just cant accept it.
The second part that really got me was the position of his hand when they found him. His thumb and index were extended and the rest were curled inward. It made my memory spark. Everytime I had ever seen him with a weapon that was his usual grip. Just like every photo I had seen of him holding a rifle for 20 years.
Although he could not recognize his own worth, or how much he was needed and wanted here on this earth he did not lose sight of all the years of training in that moment. He still maintained proper weapon control.
He shot expert with his rifle. Every time.
He also had the foresight to position himself in a way that would not harm others as the bullet exited his body. Had he shot left it could have gone into our neighbors home. Had he shot right he would have shot through our garage wall into the bedroom where our children slept or the door where I stood begging him to stop.
He shot toward the back of our garage which is mostly underground.
He had also taken down all his Marine Corps awards and memorabilia from the garage walls. The week leading up to his death. I now know it was to prevent getting blood on them.
The human mind is fascinating in that way. He was clear enough to know proper gun safety. He maintain his perfect hand placement even after death but he could not see any other way out of his deep depression.
He didn't consider the effect his actions would have on our kids their whole lives. Or the permanent damage he did to me in that experience BUT he mafe sure he kept his hands safely on that weapon.
Just like it was my instinct to protect my babies...his instinct was to use that great rifle holding technique.
Im not sure why it stayed with me. Or why it bothered me. Or why im still thinking about it days later. I guess there are so many things about his passing that I will just never understand. I dont think its my place to understand. Only to accept.
I have accepted he's gone. He's peaceful and safe. We are surviving. Learning to live the life we have now. We are making the best of what we were given.
I was digging through my "Mike" file the other day looking for my DFAS password and one of the documents caught my eye. It was the police report on the state of his body when police gained entrance to our garage. I dont know if I had ever read it before or if I had read it in the "foggy" months but two things really stuck with me.
The first one was the mention of his head being "unrecognizable". That I had to choke back a bit. My brain knows it would have to be but my heart just cant accept it.
The second part that really got me was the position of his hand when they found him. His thumb and index were extended and the rest were curled inward. It made my memory spark. Everytime I had ever seen him with a weapon that was his usual grip. Just like every photo I had seen of him holding a rifle for 20 years.
Although he could not recognize his own worth, or how much he was needed and wanted here on this earth he did not lose sight of all the years of training in that moment. He still maintained proper weapon control.
He shot expert with his rifle. Every time.
He also had the foresight to position himself in a way that would not harm others as the bullet exited his body. Had he shot left it could have gone into our neighbors home. Had he shot right he would have shot through our garage wall into the bedroom where our children slept or the door where I stood begging him to stop.
He shot toward the back of our garage which is mostly underground.
He had also taken down all his Marine Corps awards and memorabilia from the garage walls. The week leading up to his death. I now know it was to prevent getting blood on them.
The human mind is fascinating in that way. He was clear enough to know proper gun safety. He maintain his perfect hand placement even after death but he could not see any other way out of his deep depression.
He didn't consider the effect his actions would have on our kids their whole lives. Or the permanent damage he did to me in that experience BUT he mafe sure he kept his hands safely on that weapon.
Just like it was my instinct to protect my babies...his instinct was to use that great rifle holding technique.
Im not sure why it stayed with me. Or why it bothered me. Or why im still thinking about it days later. I guess there are so many things about his passing that I will just never understand. I dont think its my place to understand. Only to accept.
I have accepted he's gone. He's peaceful and safe. We are surviving. Learning to live the life we have now. We are making the best of what we were given.
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