"Adulthood" isnt defined by an age.
Legally when you turn 18...you are an "adult". This means you must take responsibility for yourself and your actions. You do not wake up on your 18th birthday with all the knowledge and wisdom you will gain in life. It basically means you can go to jail as an adult, you can buy cigarettes, gamble and join the military but you're still pretty much an idiot.
My step son turned 18 this spring. He graduated from high school last month. He is currently toying with his new exciting "adult" status. He still wants to live at home, not work, be fed, clothed and taken care of but wants to utilize his "adult" choices when they work in his favor. Basically cake and eat it too situation. Typical immaturity.
This is what separates a child from an adult. Only you are responsible for your choices and consequences that come either way. It's not something you just "know". He learned this first hand yesterday.
He's staying with us for the summer. He wanted us to drive him to Orange County drop him off at a girl's house. A girl he only knows on the internet. From there they planned to drive to an unknown location in Los Angeles. We naturally said no way. Los Angeles is 2.5 hours from here. He had no clue WHERE in LA he was headed and he's never met the girl before. He doesn't know the area or anyone else in the area. Basically it was a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.
We told him we weren't going to hand deliver him to a shady situation in which we feel completely uncomfortable. We can't stop him but we do not approve of it and won't contribute.
So he once again "exercized his adulthood" by storming off for a "walk". He called about an hour later and said he was SO determined to get there he was willing to resort to calling his dad's exwife. (Not his mother. The woman who he claimed made his life miserable and is the reason he hasn't come to visit in a few years. The one who recently filed a false order of protection on his father in court. The judge threw it out but the damage is already done. The woman who his father has been in a ridiculous divorce battle for almost a year now....worst choice possible!) He said it as a threat to get his dad to change his mind. Sean (his dad) called his bluff and said "good luck with that."
We waited around for another hour and decided to run to the grocery store. As we were driving down Mission we saw him walking. I made Sean turn around. Just as we were getting to him..we were shocked to see Sean's exwife PICKING HIM UP!
As I said before, being an adult is about making choices. She made a choice to meddle in something that was none of her concern. Instead of contacting his father to get the whole story or even let him know he asked her for help...she knowingly interfered. Not because she cares but because she wants to be nosy and is clearly lonely. She made a crappy choice. We sent her a message saying we do not approve. She defied Sean's parental choice. How can he learn responsibility if someone is there to "rescue" him every time? If she cared at all she would have checked with his father.
When Sean saw her pick him up all the life drained from his face. I have never seen him so disappointed. He was trying to be a good parent and Cody was so determined to meet a random girl from Facebook that he betrayed his father, sacrificed his own feelings about her and lied to her face to get what he wanted in that moment.
He may be an adult in the respect that he's reached the age of 18 but he's still in the mindset of a child. Children are self centered, self serving creatures by nature. He still has a lot to learn before hes truly an adult. A birthday does not mature you but experiences like this do. The consequence in this situation is that he hurt his dad. He may not appreciate the lesson now but one day he will understand.
Not all adult choices have an immediate consequence...but some have a life long impression. I think this might be one of them.
He's still not back yet. The last message he sent to us was he wouldn't be coming home "simply because he doesn't want to."
Adults don't "run away" when they don't get their way. We try to understand why and come up with a reasonable compromise. Running away further solidifies our belief that he lacks emotional maturity. It's incredibly hard to give someone the respect of an adult when they still behave like a child.
Because we are adults we hold no grudges...especially with our kids. I told him today that if nothing else came from this, he at least learned a very valuable "adult" life lesson.
Every action in life has a reaction. When you are grown you can not blame anything/one else but yourself. Better to learn it now than later. And it's time. It's not a friends fault for being rude to a police officer. It's not a "misunderstanding" with a homeowner or cop....not like the excuses for past choices. It lies squarely on your shoulders. Welcome to adulthood, kiddo! It really blows sometimes. Learn from it. Grow from the experience. Let it humble you just a bit. Gain perspective.
We love you and won't stop no matter what you do. Someday you will really appreciate that. We will wait. We are patient.
My step son turned 18 this spring. He graduated from high school last month. He is currently toying with his new exciting "adult" status. He still wants to live at home, not work, be fed, clothed and taken care of but wants to utilize his "adult" choices when they work in his favor. Basically cake and eat it too situation. Typical immaturity.
This is what separates a child from an adult. Only you are responsible for your choices and consequences that come either way. It's not something you just "know". He learned this first hand yesterday.
He's staying with us for the summer. He wanted us to drive him to Orange County drop him off at a girl's house. A girl he only knows on the internet. From there they planned to drive to an unknown location in Los Angeles. We naturally said no way. Los Angeles is 2.5 hours from here. He had no clue WHERE in LA he was headed and he's never met the girl before. He doesn't know the area or anyone else in the area. Basically it was a Lifetime movie waiting to happen.
We told him we weren't going to hand deliver him to a shady situation in which we feel completely uncomfortable. We can't stop him but we do not approve of it and won't contribute.
So he once again "exercized his adulthood" by storming off for a "walk". He called about an hour later and said he was SO determined to get there he was willing to resort to calling his dad's exwife. (Not his mother. The woman who he claimed made his life miserable and is the reason he hasn't come to visit in a few years. The one who recently filed a false order of protection on his father in court. The judge threw it out but the damage is already done. The woman who his father has been in a ridiculous divorce battle for almost a year now....worst choice possible!) He said it as a threat to get his dad to change his mind. Sean (his dad) called his bluff and said "good luck with that."
We waited around for another hour and decided to run to the grocery store. As we were driving down Mission we saw him walking. I made Sean turn around. Just as we were getting to him..we were shocked to see Sean's exwife PICKING HIM UP!
As I said before, being an adult is about making choices. She made a choice to meddle in something that was none of her concern. Instead of contacting his father to get the whole story or even let him know he asked her for help...she knowingly interfered. Not because she cares but because she wants to be nosy and is clearly lonely. She made a crappy choice. We sent her a message saying we do not approve. She defied Sean's parental choice. How can he learn responsibility if someone is there to "rescue" him every time? If she cared at all she would have checked with his father.
When Sean saw her pick him up all the life drained from his face. I have never seen him so disappointed. He was trying to be a good parent and Cody was so determined to meet a random girl from Facebook that he betrayed his father, sacrificed his own feelings about her and lied to her face to get what he wanted in that moment.
He may be an adult in the respect that he's reached the age of 18 but he's still in the mindset of a child. Children are self centered, self serving creatures by nature. He still has a lot to learn before hes truly an adult. A birthday does not mature you but experiences like this do. The consequence in this situation is that he hurt his dad. He may not appreciate the lesson now but one day he will understand.
Not all adult choices have an immediate consequence...but some have a life long impression. I think this might be one of them.
He's still not back yet. The last message he sent to us was he wouldn't be coming home "simply because he doesn't want to."
Adults don't "run away" when they don't get their way. We try to understand why and come up with a reasonable compromise. Running away further solidifies our belief that he lacks emotional maturity. It's incredibly hard to give someone the respect of an adult when they still behave like a child.
Because we are adults we hold no grudges...especially with our kids. I told him today that if nothing else came from this, he at least learned a very valuable "adult" life lesson.
Every action in life has a reaction. When you are grown you can not blame anything/one else but yourself. Better to learn it now than later. And it's time. It's not a friends fault for being rude to a police officer. It's not a "misunderstanding" with a homeowner or cop....not like the excuses for past choices. It lies squarely on your shoulders. Welcome to adulthood, kiddo! It really blows sometimes. Learn from it. Grow from the experience. Let it humble you just a bit. Gain perspective.
We love you and won't stop no matter what you do. Someday you will really appreciate that. We will wait. We are patient.
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