Dreams Lately
My dreams have been very vivid and super freaking weird lately.
The night before last I specifically remember Beyonce being in my dream and I ate my Iphone. It was pretty weird. I don't even care for Beyonce and I don't have an Iphone anymore.
Last night I was back in my senior year of high school in home ec class with Nick. But, I knew I had gone back in time and had all knowledge of what the future held. He was sitting in the desk behind me playing with my hair with his pencil. He said "you're hair is really shiny today." I looked back and said "yeah, I brushed it this morning." Using our regular sarcasm we laughed and he looked at me with his shaky eyebrow. The look that says I'm totally lying to you right now. He said "I lied it looks like shit today."
He was asking me to go to a senior party with him later that week when it hit me that any choice I made in that moment could alter the course of our lives. I would have loved to go with him but knew that's not what happened originally. (I went with Shanna but I knew I would see him there. We played 52 card pickup. I still have one of the playing cards in my scrapbook to this day) I told him I already promised Shanna and I couldn't.
I looked at him and said "this will make no sense now but you are going to meet a girl soon and you'll still be married to her 20 years from now. It wont be easy but it will be worth it. We will be friends and I will get it right this time." He stood there with his eyebrows bouncing trying to pretend to take me seriously. The bell rang. He hugged me and said "you're so fucking weird sometimes." We walked our different directions into the crowded FZN hallways.
I cant tell you what the Beyonce dream meant. No freaking clue there but I know what the second dream was about. I have such regret over the loss of my friendship with Nick. He was one of my best friends. At one time when Mike was at his sickest and practically non verbal...Nick was the only person I talked to. And not even about my problems. Just about antiques, flea markets, random scientific theories...whatever.
In my dream I said id get it right next time. I didn't get it wrong the first time, only in the way I behaved after I learned he wasn't honest with his wife about how much we talked. I could have been more kind. I was just blindsided. I had no idea he was keeping it a secret. It was no secret in my house. I thought nothing of it. My feelings for Nick were so much love but not romantic in the least, so it didn't occur to me that it could be taken inappropriately.
When Mike died he was literally the only person who didn't call, email, text or talk to me. I was completely aware of that too. In the loss of my husband I wanted to talk to Nick. I wanted one of his awkward "buck up buttercups". I knew he wouldn't have the right words but he'd just be there and he'd struggle to find something right and just knowing he was struggling...attempting to console me was all I needed to know he was there for me. Thats how we worked. We never said the right thing but we always knew the other had our back.
I have forgiven them both. I completely understand why Mande was pissed. Her husband had been dishonest with her. I understand why Nick chose to keep it from her....because she could take it the wrong way. It wasn't the right choice. Honesty is always best in a marriage. But I understand why.
I am not mad. I am regretful. So much so that I dream about it. A mutual friend told me once that Nick and I were just not as close as I thought we were. We were never friends at all. I refuse to believe that. We were friends for so many years. I know now since Mike died that our time here is limited. I don't care if we aren't friends ever again as long as he knows that friendship was true. As long as his wife knows my intentions were honest and pure. I loved her husband but not in the way that should make her uncomfortable. I am sorry for my part in it. I wish it never turned out the way it did. My feeling as still hurt but more importantly I take responsibility for hurting others.
The night before last I specifically remember Beyonce being in my dream and I ate my Iphone. It was pretty weird. I don't even care for Beyonce and I don't have an Iphone anymore.
Last night I was back in my senior year of high school in home ec class with Nick. But, I knew I had gone back in time and had all knowledge of what the future held. He was sitting in the desk behind me playing with my hair with his pencil. He said "you're hair is really shiny today." I looked back and said "yeah, I brushed it this morning." Using our regular sarcasm we laughed and he looked at me with his shaky eyebrow. The look that says I'm totally lying to you right now. He said "I lied it looks like shit today."
He was asking me to go to a senior party with him later that week when it hit me that any choice I made in that moment could alter the course of our lives. I would have loved to go with him but knew that's not what happened originally. (I went with Shanna but I knew I would see him there. We played 52 card pickup. I still have one of the playing cards in my scrapbook to this day) I told him I already promised Shanna and I couldn't.
I looked at him and said "this will make no sense now but you are going to meet a girl soon and you'll still be married to her 20 years from now. It wont be easy but it will be worth it. We will be friends and I will get it right this time." He stood there with his eyebrows bouncing trying to pretend to take me seriously. The bell rang. He hugged me and said "you're so fucking weird sometimes." We walked our different directions into the crowded FZN hallways.
I cant tell you what the Beyonce dream meant. No freaking clue there but I know what the second dream was about. I have such regret over the loss of my friendship with Nick. He was one of my best friends. At one time when Mike was at his sickest and practically non verbal...Nick was the only person I talked to. And not even about my problems. Just about antiques, flea markets, random scientific theories...whatever.
In my dream I said id get it right next time. I didn't get it wrong the first time, only in the way I behaved after I learned he wasn't honest with his wife about how much we talked. I could have been more kind. I was just blindsided. I had no idea he was keeping it a secret. It was no secret in my house. I thought nothing of it. My feelings for Nick were so much love but not romantic in the least, so it didn't occur to me that it could be taken inappropriately.
When Mike died he was literally the only person who didn't call, email, text or talk to me. I was completely aware of that too. In the loss of my husband I wanted to talk to Nick. I wanted one of his awkward "buck up buttercups". I knew he wouldn't have the right words but he'd just be there and he'd struggle to find something right and just knowing he was struggling...attempting to console me was all I needed to know he was there for me. Thats how we worked. We never said the right thing but we always knew the other had our back.
I have forgiven them both. I completely understand why Mande was pissed. Her husband had been dishonest with her. I understand why Nick chose to keep it from her....because she could take it the wrong way. It wasn't the right choice. Honesty is always best in a marriage. But I understand why.
I am not mad. I am regretful. So much so that I dream about it. A mutual friend told me once that Nick and I were just not as close as I thought we were. We were never friends at all. I refuse to believe that. We were friends for so many years. I know now since Mike died that our time here is limited. I don't care if we aren't friends ever again as long as he knows that friendship was true. As long as his wife knows my intentions were honest and pure. I loved her husband but not in the way that should make her uncomfortable. I am sorry for my part in it. I wish it never turned out the way it did. My feeling as still hurt but more importantly I take responsibility for hurting others.
Comments
Post a Comment