The #1 Question

Since going public with my story and finding my voice in the fight for servicemembers with PTSD I have had the honor of speaking with so many wives from the Marines Army and Navy. They know they can come to me and vent, be supported, I wont judge. I cannot even count the wives. Some I knew prior, some a friend of a friend. Some complete strangers and read an article I posted, my blog or the newspaper. Its sad how many of them are feeling exactly the way I did. Their husbands are proud United States Servicemembers who want to continue serving their country but also need help. They feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. There is one central question that is common with all of us. Its so simple but there is no answer. Their husbands want help but fear they will lose their job, their reputation or their rank. This sort of blow would only further the illness and send them deeper into the abyss of depression. So the question remains:

How do I help my spouse without damaging his career?


There is no easy answer. You have read that I did go to Mike's command at one point. It did nothing but got him in trouble. The military says they have mental health services in place but in order to get long term care they have to get permission of the command...and then the command knows and then the questions start. A domino effect...

I would really love to see a network of civilian doctors and therapists who are willing to treat service members confidentially at a deep discount so they can pay out of pocket, no insurance, no work involvement. I think if they knew this avenue was available they would be more likely to seek help. There would be less resistance. No one needs to know anything barring the obvious threat to themselves or others. They are all mandated reporters regardless of military affiliation.

I also think if more support groups were set up off base, peer to peer, in a casual setting. (No rank shared, no MOS just a gathering of people who share a common experience) for them to share their struggles and their feeling they would be surprised to know they are not alone and feel some control in the matter. Our servicemembers are taught to be strong and to fight for this country. No one has taught them to effectively deal with the feelings that come in the work they do. No one taught them to fight for themselves.

The lifestyle of a Marine, Soldier, Sailor is a unique one. No one can better understand than other servicemember.

If educated spouses were in on the planning and administration of mental health programs in the military I think we'd not be in this mess. We know whats really going on with our husbands. We should never be ignored or not taken seriously. I don't feel that a person should ever be punished for asking for help. PTSD is not a disability, it can be managed just like diabetes. Its not acknowledging it that is dangerous. Admitting you need help means there is still hope.

I talk to so many wives daily. I can feel their helplessness, I can completely identify with their frustration and exhaustion. I want to make it better before they have to be where I am. I want to give them good useful advice. It seems like with the VA scandal and all that's going on there I cant even trust to tell them to call the VA. Military Onesource has its disadvantages too. They have been known to turn callers down for help. I wish I had more resources. I wish I could say do A B and C...but there is no real trusted effective person place or thing I can direct them to.

We need change. We need to start caring.