As If Life Isnt Hard Enough....

This conversation started after I sent the info for the first anniversary memorial service we are planning for Michael. 

Just wow. So far since hes been gone they have first accused me of literally killing him now, they are saying Im at fault because he was on my "watch". I have bit my tongue and forgiven them so many times because I know grief makes people want to blame others but fuck that. What about my fucking grief? My kids grief? At no time have they asked how we are doing. My mother in law asked me after his death to not mention the gun he used was the one his dad bought him for Father's Day. I did...at first. I didn't blame him but I keep getting blamed so there you go. The fancy flat black Savage Edge 30-06 rifle. Thats what he used. I know this because in the above conversation Donna made mention that the police report stated I asked him for a divorce three times the day he died. So, I went and re-read the report. I knew it wasn't true. It says I asked him for a divorce three weeks prior to the suicide. If you want to talk about the police report. There ya go. 

The thing that sucks most about this shit is it triggers my PTSD and gets my anxiety through the roof. They don't give a shit. I have been on edge since the conversation and the panic and rage wont go away. 

Donna mentioned I wanted her brother gone in the conversation...I absolutely did. By that time I was sick of his bullshit. I had put up with his fucked up behavior for ten plus years and his denial that he had a problem. I wanted the torture to stop. I wanted to breathe. Did I want him dead? Of course not. I wanted him to get the fucking help he needed. I wanted to be a normal family. I wanted to not be terrified to leave my children in a room with their own father. 

I think the blame game is useless. He did it. However Donna did tell me after he died that his father used to get drunk and walk around the house with a loaded gun when Mike was a kid. Wish I had known that before the incident. Not that it would change my reaction. 

I am sick of being blamed by people who should be a support. I have to accept that I will forever be blamed by them. Its not going to stop hurting. Its the same feeling about accepting that Mike is never coming home. It is what it is. 

Donna somehow started a memorial fund at her local bank in Mikes name with out my permission. I knew only because she sent me a 20.00 check with my husbands name on it. At the time I had tried to set up a fund for MY OWN HUSBAND during the benefit. Because his death certificate hadnt been issued it was impossible to set one up. I was angry when I received this check from her so I asked her how it was possible and why she had not even asked me, her reply was that her best friend is the branch manager of her bank and set it up without proper documentation. I asked her why she opened it in the first place. She said "well I am going to have to buy them christmas and birthday gifts so that will help." No bitch, dont bother. I advised her to close the account immediately. Thats fraud. 

When he was cremated the funeral director called me and told me his parents wanted part of this ashes in a locked. I said yes.

At the funeral I had his dad presented with the flag during the ceremony because I knew the guilt he must have felt. I gave up that right for them no question...and yet here we are.

I know losing your son and brother must be hard but let me tell you the difference. YOUR FUCKING LIFE HASN'T CHANGED A BIT! You never even saw him. Your days are not changed. 

Every single moment of every single day for the rest of our lives have been changed. The kids lost their dad, moved to a tiny apartment, had to adapt when they don't even really understand why or where he went. So do me a favor and don't tell me about your huge loss. My kids didn't even meet Donna until a year ago. They were 6 and 8. Mike hadn't seen her in 20 years at that point. We saw his parents when WE came home, three times in two years. The didn't bother to come to California and visit us. My family did and my family is poor. I have made so many god damned concessions for them. I wont make another. I refuse to let you hurt me or the kids with your self centered lies and accusations. Your son killed himself. Hes gone. No one did it to him. He did it. HE WAS SICK. If you'd been around him enough you would have known. Stop projecting this shit on me. You werent there for him then and you arent here for us now. The end.

And, Donna...PTSD awareness, and talking about it is not bad. Its the best thing you can do. Secrets keep you sick. I will NOT stop talking about it. Your stereotypical embarrassment of our reality is why people stay sick. I have no intention of staying here in this pain longer than necessary. We WILL get past this and we WILL be okay...with or without your approval. 

Every 65 minutes and American veteran dies by suicide. 22 Veterans die a day. My husband was one of the 22 on September 15th 2013.