Reality

Tonight I heard the kids crying after bedtime. I thought they had gotten rowdy and hurt each other. I rushed in expecting to see blood. Inside their room, both kids rushed at me with huge tears in their eyes sobbing that they wanted me to bring their daddy back. In that moment I realized I have never been more angry with him. I felt helpless. I could not give them their dad. He's never coming home. All I could do was apologize and say I missed him too.

They have been missing him for most of their lives. He was deployed or in training for over half of the time they were alive. The difference is when he was deployed or just away I could console them by saying we only have X amount of days until we see him again. Or I would tell them we could write him a letter or draw him a picture to mail. I kissed them, told them I love them and walked out of their room.  I went to the patio and looked up to the sky and wanted to scream "HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO THEM?!" Instead I cried quietly but only for a few moments.
 
The neat and tidy politically correct explanation is their father suffered a mental illness and he died as a result. The reality is that their dad killed himself and left them with no goodbye, an altered existence. The reality is ugly. No one wants to hear the reality.

The reality is I am PISSED at him for what he did to them. Excusing his actions does not change their reality. That is they are fatherless. No matter how big a bow you put on the box...that box is still empty.

As much as kids love to play with empty boxes, this is maybe the worst thing he could have gifted them. He wasn't thinking about any of this when he decided to take his own life. He's dead and his suffering is over but everyday they wake up and remember that daddy disappeared. Their suffering starts all over.every.day. It infuriates me. I can't change what has happened. I can only go from this moment forward. 

The reality is I don't know why he's gone. I don't understand it. If I can't understand as a 35 year old I cannot expect them to either.

When your kids are hurt or sad you want to fix it. I can't fix this. My reality is everyday I wake up knowing I can't fix it but still trying my best to do what I can so they know how loved and special they are. I'm all they have. It was not my choice but I have to live with the reality everyday. 

We may never understand the overwhelming devastation that is our reality. 


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