Maybe

I often think back to the days, weeks and months leading up to Mikes death just trying to recall if there were any red flags. Was there something I missed? He never once mentioned suicide in that period. I think maybe it's because when he did in 2005 I took it seriously and tried to get him help. He knew I wouldn't just brush it off. He didn't want to be saved this time. I have come to believe that as a fact.

I also wonder why he chose to do it in front of me, in our home with our children sleeping just feet away. I have a suspicion that he may have attempted it before but could not go through with it. I think he did it to put me in a position where I would act and he would have no choice but follow through. He knew if I saw him walking around the house with that loaded rifle I would call the police. He planned it. It wasn't a coincidence.

For the longest time I thought maybe he wasn't planning on hurting himself that night but my calling 911 provoked him. It was my fault. But I now know it was exactly what he wanted. He knew I'd do the right thing. He posted a good bye on Facebook an hour before he did it. Of course I didn't see it until the following day.

Part of my PTSD is reliving the event over and over compulsively....obsessively. I have to actively redirect my thoughts but at least I'm putting the puzzle together while I'm making myself nuts. I could do without the thoughts, the images, the feelings of that night. I really could.

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