Health Issues

I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease when I was 30. On and off I was really sick for a few years.

One of the reasons I've been so angry with Mike is because he knew I had this and he knew some days I can hardly walk and he left me alone to provide and care for the kids. I know he was mentally ill and could not rationally process that but it's a fact. And I also acquired PTSD with his death.

I really thought for a while after he died my illness improved. Unfortunately, the grief and ptsd symptoms just sort of blurred all together and I can't even tell what is causing which issue.

I know that stress triggers both conditions. I have been under a great deal of stress lately.

Three weeks ago Lulu died. If you have been a long time follower you'd know she was Mikes dog.
She's the reason he held on so long. She was not a dog. She was just as much a part of our family as the rest of us. Sometimes it was only Lu that could make Mike smile.

After he died she was one one living connection to him. We know how much he truly loved her.

To make matters worse, it was our other dog that killed her. We adopted Rocky four months ago. A beautiful staffy mix. He had bitten two men since living with us and after he killed Lu so violently we had no choice but to have him put down as well. We lost both our dog the day after my birthday, Sunday January 11.

Since they died my heath has started to decline again. I can feel my thyroid when I swallow. I know it's swollen. My limbs are so heavy, my joints ache, I've had a constant headache ever since. I either sleep too much or not at all. My hair is falling out, my hands are swollen. I'm in a fog.  I cant taje a deep breath...Just like when I first got diagnosed with it.

But now I don't have a choice but to keep moving. I can't just lie down for a bit and rest. Between the VA, losing the dogs, learning to be a single mom the grief ptsd and autoimmune disease I'm just exhausted.

My body aches my heart hurts my mind races and I have no choice but to put on a fake smile and pretend everything is okay. People depend on me for that.

Am i resentful he took his life? I'm not sure but I'm sure I'm tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally,  spiritually. Just exhausted.

I've got a sleep study coming up. Maybe the results will help relieve some of this misery.

I just want to wake up feeling refreshed....once.

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